LOVE LOST, INSANITY LOST
by deathbyscreams
Summary: Edward has left Bella in New Moon. Bella begins to go down a bad path which leads to her attempt at suicide. Edward comes back and they now must deal with the consequences of her actions. Can their relationship still continue despite what has happened?
1. Prologue

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

_**Summary: Edward has left Bella in New Moon. He hasn't come back and Bella slowly begins to lose it. What happens when she plans her suicide? Edward goes to save her life but is he too late to save her mentally. does love conquer everything?**_

_** Important Author Note : if you suffer from suicidal thoughts or depression please get help at .com/ or /**_

_its never appropriate to kill yourself. please get help if you want to commit suicide. if you read this story i hope that when you finish it, it shows that everything get better._

please enjoy.

_**Prologue **_

_He left us. HE left us. HE LEFT US._

_That's right darling HE left us, and he's not going to come back._

_But what-what if he comes back to find you dead and he blames me? He'll kill me if he finds you dead. He'll simply snap my throat and watch me bleed. He will! I know it! _

_I know darling that's why you're going to die too, we're both going to die together. We sore into hell together and always have each other._

_But what if he comes back?_

_HES NEVER COMING BACK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHY AM I STUCK WITH SUCH A WEAK BITCH?_

_But- I'm sorry I'm so weak._

_SHUT UP –SHUP UP. YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHAT I SAY OR I'LL LEAVE YOU TOO._

_NOO…_

I found myself lying on the bathroom floor_ alone_. I don't know how long I've been here but all I understood was that I was here _alone._ All I could feel was the coldness of the floor seep into my legs making them immobile and stone like. I felt my hands shaking uncontrollably. I watched them shake, I tried to comfort them and tell them that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't even believe that lie. I knew it was a lie before I even forced myself to say it out loud.

I don't know how I got here, but I was going to end it tonight once and for all. I was going to end what should have been ended 4 long months ago.


	2. chapter 1: empty shell

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Empty Shell**_

Maybe it's time to move on. You've been frozen in the same position for three months. You've been frozen as people move forward to meet their destiny. You're destiny left you with nothing but a hollow shell of yourself. You are just the simple human you always thought you were. You've slowly watched time creep by and the days change from day to night. You've watched the same window ever night hoping that he'd come back. And when he didn't show up, you'd tare at your chest and scream out bloody murder. Every morning you're burned to feeling alive and every night you're numbed until you're dead. It is a painful cycle and you'd do anything to stop it once and for all. You'd do anything to just_ ease_ the pain.

But nothing can ease the pain, can it? Only he can, and he left. He left and took everything. The only thing he left was your empty body and endless tears to shed. Nothing will ease this pain. Nothing. I would slowly drift into eternity with this pain. My life is doomed to nights of terror and loneliness.

I glanced at myself in the mirror. I was standing in the bathroom slowly getting ready for another day of misery. I was moving at a slow speed because it didn't matter if I showed up to school. I wonder if I were to just disappear, if anyone would miss me. No, no one would, I was a waste of space. Just some toy to be played with and then tossed aside like garbage. I wasn't anything special or worth keeping.

I took a better look at myself. I saw my hollow eyes that were now closer to black then brown. I saw the dark circles that were under my eyes. My cheeks were sunken in from lack of nutrition. I slowly lifted up my shirt to reveal my chest. You could see each individual rib on my torso. I bet if you were to play a melody on my ribs it would be a song of suicide. My skin was even paler, it was like candle wax that had fallen off the candle. I slowly brought one hand to my face and stroked the pasty material that was now my skin. I couldn't stand the touch of my skin. I quickly took my hand away from my skin and began to remove my pajama bottoms. My legs shook as I slowly peeled off my layers of clothing. I told myself it was the cold that cause them to shake, but I knew that was a lie. I never stopped shaking after he left me. I was left unable to stand still and hold myself up after he left.

I tore my stare away from the mirror and focused on slowly getting into the shower. I couldn't stand looking at myself. Looking at me showed physical proof that I had died and couldn't live without him. It was a reminder that I wasn't beautiful enough for him. It made me want to tare at my flesh until I was raw and bloody. But I didn't do it because I had promised him to stay safe. I turned the water on and it spat cold water onto my skin. I shook uncontrollable as the water poured onto me. The coldness reminded me of him. I felt the silent tears begin to slide roughly down my face. My hands launched out of my side and wrapped themselves around my torso trying to protect myself. I didn't bother even changing the water. I just sunk to the ground and let the water numb my frozen body. I laid my head to the side of the bathtub. I lifted my face to let the water droplets fall on face. Each drop was a like a dagger on my face. But I welcomed the pain.

After a while I slowly gathered up all my strength to get up and turn the water to hot and begin my shower. I felt the water raise its temperature, making me cry even hard having to say good bye to the coldness that surrounded me. I felt, like I was saying good bye to him all over again. I crawled up to a standing position using the shower door for support. The water became too hot, burning my skin. I screamed out in pain. It was a different scream; it was one that wasn't caused by him. I gave up showering and slowly stumbled out of it and got ready for school. I couldn't even take a shower without breaking down and being reminded of him.

I slowly drove up to school or should I say my own personal hell. When I was here my loneliness and pain was publicly pitied and made fun of. I couldn't hide my pain here. I spent 6 hours here and I use to spend these 6 hours here with him. Everything here was marked by him and taken. Every time I touched something that was his I would get electrocuted and I'd start crying. I tried my best to hide those tears but there was nowhere to hide here.

At first people tried to comfort me and help me. But they soon figured out that I was a lost cause; my soul had been broken and beyond repair. The student at this school learned to just ignore me and avoid eye contact with me in case it caused me to start crying again. I gladly encourage them to ignore me, I was a pest. I knew it.

I trudged through school, just waiting for the bell to ring.

First period

Second period

Third period

Forth period

Lunch

Ah lunch time, which meant free time, the worst kind of time. I rarely ate so I didn't have anything to do. What I usually did during this time was lock myself in the library's deepest corner to do my homework and wait for time to pass by.

Time was my enemy; the more time that pasted the better. Yet time seemed to go by so slowly and unevenly. The moments that I spent crying seemed like forever but in reality only seconds had passed. The seconds that I spent doing mindless tasks seemed to take forever yet it only took minutes.

I went to my usual corner in the library and crack out my calculus book and started doing tonight's homework. Let's see, the sine of ½ is 30 degrees switch it to radians and its pi over 6.

I heard chit chat going on around the corner. I did my best to ignore it. That the only thing I was good at; denial and ignorance.

I continued working on my math but I couldn't help but over hear Jessica and Lauren chatting.

"That stupid girl, she couldn't handle him. If I were him I would have left too."

" HAha like oh my god Lauren you are so right. Poor guy I blame her, she was probably psycho anyway. Have you seen her lately? Talk about zombie status. I mean I heard that he's in Florida dating blonds. I wish I was blond… hmmm"

"I know right? I mean she was just a stepping stone to greatness for him. Besides I heard her moms a total slut. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Edward Cullen doesn't deserve a slut, I'm glad he put her in her place, along with the white trash like her mom."

I listened to them talk. I've heard this before, I had. Hearing them talk about it wasn't something that should have bothered me but it did. It bothered me a lot.

Finally something snapped inside me.


	3. chapter 2: snap cracle pop

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

**Chapter 2**

**Snap Crackle and Pop **

**Previously** _I listened to them talk. I've heard this before I had. Hearing them talk about it wasn't something that should have bothered me. But it did. It bothered me a lot._

_Finally something snapped inside me. _

It was one thing to insult me. That I could take with good graces, but it was another thing to insult my mother. My mother was my best friend and the only person that would ever love me unconditionally. I wouldn't stand for those stupid girls to make fun of her. How dare they call her a slut when they were whore themselves?

I was tired. I was tired of being weak. Tired of being talked about and pity and most of all I was tired of not being able to stand up by myself.

I don't even understood what happened in these moments to come. It was like I temporally lost my sanity. When I look back as to what happened, everything was fuzzy. All I could remember was the beating of my heart.

I slammed my book down and slowly got up. I lifted up my chin and squared my shoulders. I took one step forward into unknown territory. I would be damned if I didn't give those girls a piece of my mind. I took another step forward. Maybe I could do this. I could.

Jessica and Lauren made their way over towards my safe house. Yes, they would make it easier for me if they came to me. I waited for them to see me and then I would scream at them for talking about my mom that way. I would make sure that everyone knew not to talk about Isabella Swan's mother. I saw Jessica twirling her hair acting like an idiot and I saw Lauren checking herself out in a compact mirror. I made eye contact with Jessica and she smirked at me. I was about to scream at her but I fell forward.

I fell and hit my knees hard. I got down on all fours and crawled behind a bookcase to hide myself from their view. So much for having a back bone, I was as weak as they said. They knew I was. When I had successfully evaded Jessica and Lauren I started balling. I curled up into a ball and began rocking back and forth to comfort myself. I was crying and trying to hold all the pieces together. But the pieces were sharp and rubbing against each other when they were put together. I either got cut by the sharp pieces or watch the shatter pieces float away from me. There wasn't that much choice left for me.

I wanted to puke, but I couldn't. I hadn't eaten anything in a while. There wasn't anything to throw up accept maybe my heart. But that would come up in little bit sized pieces and I didn't want those.

The bell rang and I slowly got up to go to my next class. I used my sleeve to wipe away my tears and gather my stuff up. I slowly took in a breath but it never made it to my lungs. I walked to my next class, another 50 minutes of hell.

I dragged my bag to my seat and sat down with a humph. I hate English class now, it reminded me of him. I saw Jessica and Lauren stroll in smugly. They were giggling; probably because they saw my stunt in the library. I try to stand up all by myself and I get slapped down even further. I hate my life. The sad part was I didn't even have a life. Having a life meant I was lively and had friends. I had neither and wasn't even close to ever getting those things ever again. I wanted to die.

The period slowly came to an end. I had counted down the seconds and had finally realized that 50 minutes was really a long time. I was proud to have survived another 50 minutes. I got up to leave for the last period of the day when I was tripped by Jessica. My foot caught on her foot and I felled down to the ground. I felt my wrist crack as I landed and my legs shook as I tried to gain my balance. I was being kicked to the ground by my class mates.

"Opps Sorry Swan I guess I didn't see you there. Haha watch your step next time."

She waited for me to respond but I never said anything. After a few second had pasted and I still hadn't gotten up; she began to laugh. She turned her back to me and started for the door. When she flipped her hair at me and I smelt her cheap shampoo mixed in with some nauseating perfume smell, I lost it. This time, everything was in red; my head was control by furry.

I snaked my way up to my feet somehow. I crunched my hands together and lunged at Jessica. I aimed to make her life painful. I grabbed a fish full of her hair and pulled her back with all my might. She started falling backwards but managed to grab onto Mike before she feel on me. She spun around to see who had dared to do that. I didn't give her time to register it was me. I turned my hand into a fist and aimed for her check. I made contact with her nose and heard a crunch. She stumbled back in horror. She tried to mumble something. I didn't bother to hear it. I took another swing at her bloody face. This time I made contact with her chin. She was screaming at me. I couldn't hear though. I couldn't hear anything. I could only hear the rushing of my blood. In the longest time I felt remotely okay.

She lashed out at me, she wanted to make me pay but I dodged it. I step out of the way and ran for the door. I kept running. I didn't think I'd stop until I made it to the parking lot. I finally stopped by my car to catch my breath. I could actually feel the air going into my lungs. This felt good, too good. I should have done that a long time ago.

I managed to climb into the driver's seat. I sat there for a while just remembering how it felt to smack Jessica around. I loved the sound it made when I made contact with her face. My hands hurt but it was a good pain. The pain that made my heart beat quicken and my skin feel hot and clammy. My hands had power. They finally had power. They could destroy. They could be more then pity and sadness. They could bring pain. For the first time my hands shook with excitement and not from sadness. My whole body shook with excitement. My eyes glowed for the first time in forever. I could show people the pain I had gone through. I was finally not weak, I could destroy.

I finally turned the car on and drove home, I didn't bother going to class. I didn't want to see Jessica's nasty nose anyway.

* * *

**should i continue?? review please **

**or i'll just assume that no one likes it.**

**if i do continue anyone interesting in being my beta for this story?**


	4. chapter 3: the rage

**Chapter 3**

**The Rage**

**A/n: sorry this chapter is kind of a filler, I promise the next chapter you will see where I'm going with this: 3.**

I finally turned the car on and drove home, I didn't bother going to class. I didn't want to see Jessica's nasty nose anyway.

I got home and decided I want a snack. That sounded good. The new Bella needed some food. She needed to make sure that she had the energy to beat up anyone that disrespected her. That's right. I went over to the kitchen to look for food. There wasn't anything worth eating in the refrigerator. Well that sucks. I had forgotten that in the past three months I had refused to eat. The new Bella wouldn't sit around and cry about it, like the old Bella would have. In fact the New Bella barely noticed the cold breeze from the refrigerator that made her think of him.

I cringed when I thought of that. My eye sight went burry for a second as I got lost in a memory but I snapped myself out of before I got shattered into smaller pieces. I didn't need that right now. In fact from this very moment on, I would never think of him ever again. I tried to distract myself. I try to concentrate on how it felt to smash Jessica's nose. I even punched the cabinet door to give myself the painfully familiar sensations my hands had after I hit her.

After I had hit the cabinets repeatedly until my knuckles were bruised, I decided it was safe to open my eyes. It was safe to take in my surroundings. I found myself alone. I spun around make sure it was okay to proceed to look for food. I don't know what I was looking for. I was scared to think of what I was actually looking for. After I made sure I was actually alone I proceeded to look in the cabinets for food.

Everything in there I had eaten with him. Every item of food in this cabinet reminded me of every lie he had told me. This made my throat close up. I couldn't breathe while this food was here in the house. The food was crowding up my space. I needed space, after that I would be fine. That's right. I just need to get rid of everything in this kitchen that reminded me of my nightmares.

I hurried to grab a trash bag and push all the content of the kitchen that reminded me of him into it. I rummaged through all the food and threw most of it away. I didn't even cry once during this process. I was so happy I could have punch Jessica again. All that was left was mustard, pickles and peanut butter. All the foods I disliked. Perfect.

I didn't want to eat any of that food so I decided to go to the market. That's something the new Bella would do right? If anyone came in my way, I would bring them pain. I smirked silently to myself as I thought of that. I grabbed my car keys and made for the market. This would be the first time everyone would see the new Bella.

I drove up to the market and parked in front where I saw two kids playing on those 25 cent rides. There was a boy and a girl riding a pony. Aw how cute, it could make me cut out my heart and serve it on a plate. Didn't the girl know that boy was lying when he'd say he'd pay for the next ride? Or when he said she had cooties he really meant it? That stupid girl, did she want to grow up to be weak; to be like me? No not like me. I wasn't weak any more. I was strong. Even if I had to tell myself that a hundred times, I was still strong.

I tumbled out of my car and pasted by the two kids. I glared at the boy as I did. He could break that girl's heart any moment. They stared at me as I walked past them into market. My elbows were locked to my side. I had my hands clenched; I could feel my nails going into my skin. But that only made me tighten up my grip, I was scared that if I relived the tension that I would fall apart. I held my head as high as it could go, so I could see. But all I could see was blurred items that refused to focus.

I shook my head in attempt to regain focus but couldn't. I couldn't see anything. I ignored that and began my shopping trip. I grabbed a basket and started shuffling down the aisles. I still refused to lower my head in fear my eyes would focus and see the truth. I didn't want to see the true if it meant lowering my head to look down and see the shadows.

I wondered down the aisles looking for new food that I had never seen before.

I felt like I was on a timer while I was here. I didn't want to lose. I started at a causal walk but in a few second I began run franticly through the aisles trying to find new food. I was stumbling down them. My feet kept getting in my way. Tears began to drown out my eye sight. Couldn't I even walk in damn straight line without falling? I angrily thrashed out at the closest thing to me, which was air. I didn't hurt it at all like I had plan too. I slowly tried to regain composure and continue my shopping trip. I tried some deep breathing exercises. I put down the basket and leaned forward to face the ground. I put my hands on my knees and continued to breath. I tried to pull as much oxygen as I could down to my lungs. But I failed miserably. It was like someone had slight my throat and I couldn't talk or breathe now.

"Oh mine."

I instantly straightened myself to see who had had the nerve to interrupt my deep breathing exercised. I spun around to see an old cashier dash off to another aisle. I clenched my teeth together so hard I felt a ringing in my ear. I grabbed my basket and straighten my posture. I was so angry that an old woman had seen me weak and vulnerable. I was supposed to be here to show people the new strong Bella, not the old weak Bella. I mentally yelled at myself for allowing this to happen. As I continued my internal monologue I grabbed everything I saw and shoved it in my basket. I was a tornado on wheels as I made my way to the cashier. The worst part was that it was the same woman who saw me crying in the pasta aisle. I did my best to muster up enough confidence and face her.

I watched her ring the food up and she kept starring at me as she did it. She was probably pitting me or something. She probably heard some horrible rumor about me. She probably saw me as a lost cause, too weak to even live past 19. Everyone thought I was weak. I was no longer weak anymore I'd prove her wrong. I gave her the best death glare I could muster up. She gasped as she met my eyes again. She was afraid of me, Isabella Swan. That felt strangely nice. She told me the how much I owed her, I didn't even hear her. I just saw her mouth move slowly up and down. My hands began to shake. I was clenching my fist in hope that she wouldn't see me try to control myself. I could feel the rage consume me as I realized how much she really pitied me. I wanted to hurt her so bad, I really did. I stood there frozen, imagining what I could do to her to prove I wasn't weak anymore. I imagined banging her head on the counter or smacking her in the head with a bottle of water. All these things seemed so appealing and worth doing.

She mouthed the price again. This time I heard her.

"33.89-miss"

He voice was questioning my sanity. How dare she do that? I thrust two twenties in her face without even looking in her direction. I grabbed the bags and ran. I didn't even bother waiting for the change.

As I ran out of the door I screamed. "Don't you dare even pity me ever again or I'll make you pay!"

I didn't dare look back to see the old woman's reaction. I ran past the little girl on the ride alone, crying. I got into my car and drove home as fast as I could. This car was so slow now, I was put my foot to the floor and all I could do was 60. I definitely couldn't stand this car anymore. This car was the reason why I felt trapped. It couldn't even go as fast as I wanted it to go. I could barely do 61 on these winding roads. I was gripping the stirring wheel hard and my elbows were stiff as stone. My eyes were looking straight ahead not even taking in what was happening around me. My eyes were filled with raw rage as I thought of the lady and the whole town and how they pitied me.

I speed up to my house and was a little late on the brake. It didn't even occur to me to step on the brake until I was on the lawn. My car rolled on to the lawn making its way to the porch. It collided into the porch making a gentle crunching noise when contract was made. I sat there shocked at what had just happened. I slowly recovered and got out of the car. I wanted that to happen, that right. I wanted my car to be as close as possible to the door; that way I didn't have to walk very far to get to the house. I grabbed my bags and made my way into the house.

I slammed the food on to the counter and made my way to the couch. I wasn't hungry anymore. I turned on the TV to see what was on. This definitely was a good start.

**A/N: please review and tell me what you think! I hope this chapter was okay, I didn't like it that much, it felt very iunno forced? also am i describing everything to much?**

**I'm writing chapter 4 as we speak, reviews will encourage me to post it sooner! **


	5. chapter 4: A promise

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**Chapter 4**

**A Promise**

**A/n: promise stuff happens in this chapter! **

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

**Song: The horror of our love- Ludo (hella creepy song but I like it, reminds me of Edward's love for Bella) – extra credit if you go listen to the song and listen to the lyrics at the beginning. Just thought I'd randomly add that in….**

**Previously: **_I slammed the food on to the counter and made my way to the couch. I wasn't hungry anymore. I turned on the TV to see what was on._

I flip impatiently though the channels until I found one I wanted to waste my time watching. I finally found one, House. (A/n: I fucking love House, it's about some doctor who pops pills and solves medical cases. He's hilarious). I watched him solve another case, saving another person's life. This made me sad I wish I had some use in this world, but no I was empty space. I was useless. I couldn't even save my own life let alone other people's lives. I couldn't watch it any longer. I tore my eyes away from the screen and an idea came across my mind. This was the first time I had ever had an idea in three long months so I didn't even second guess myself.

I sprinted up the stairs and found the medical cabinet and saw some sleeping pill. I didn't even hesitate. I didn't dare look myself in the mirror while I did. I grabbed the bottle and struggle to get the lid off.

I took five.

-

-

-

I slept through the night and didn't have a single dream. That was the best night of sleep I had ever had in my life. But I had had to take drugs to sleep.

That was not Isabella Swan at all. Isabella Swan didn't take drugs she was a good girl. I would never again do drugs. Sleeping pills lead to worse things like Meth or Heroin. I would not be **that girl** ever. No, not ever. I wouldn't let a silly depression get the best of me and cause me to do drugs.

I got up and mentally prepared myself for another day. I slowly let my legs swing out of my bed to meet the cold impersonal floor. I turned to my side and finally opened up my eyes to meet another dreadful day. I tossed out my arms to slowly help lift myself off the bed. I staggered up and got dress.

I tumbled down the stairs to find a note on the kitchen table from Charlie

_Bells,_

_Didn't want to wake you, but you parked you truck on the porch._

_Don't let it happen again._

_-Love, dad_

Wow I didn't even get in trouble for parking my truck on the freaking porch. I was so weak and pitied my dad didn't even bother to ground me for something horrible I did. He didn't even wake me up because it was probably the first time I had actually slept for more than an hour.

I was so low, and I just kept sinking.

This had to end now.

I looked at all the grocery bags fall of food that were still on the counter. The meat and eggs had gone bad because of me. I had wasted Charlie's money; I was such a selfish person.

I glanced at the clock while I was yelling at myself. It was ten o'clock. Oh my god I was late for school. I had never once been late for school except for when he had just left me. I couldn't let anyone think I was scared to show up at school because of Jessica. I grabbed my bag and found my car parked in its regular spot.

I felt a tear slide past my eyelids as I took in the fact that Charlie had moved the car for me. Even though I was more dead than alive, he still put up with me. He still treated me well and let me do my own thing. He didn't even once say he wanted me to leave. Even though I was unworthy of love; he still loved me. He was the only person that still had hope that I would change; I was letting him down.

I had to change. If I didn't change for me, I had to change for him.

I drove to school with determination to make Charlie proud. I would come alive no matter what the cost was. I would bring myself back to life and no longer be the pity case of Fork's. Even if it meant sacrificing my mental health or body; my soul was already gone so what else did I have to lose? All I had left was my father and I didn't want to put him to shame, so I would go to school and make friends. That's all he wanted for me, oh and I could be happy. Well, I could fake that part. I'd just have to find a solution to my problems.

I park in the back. I didn't bother getting out my truck, stayed locked in it. I didn't feel like going to class since it was already half way done. I just sat in my truck counting the minute that pasted by. I watched the dark green forest sway in the wind. I guess this green world was slightly beautiful in a way. I just continued to stare off into this green wonderland when I was interrupted by a rapping noise.

I jumped at the sounded and managed to turn to my side to see who had interrupted my daydream. There was a girl by my car rapping on my window. She had black hair that was accompanied by ice blue eyes. She had dark circles under her eyes that made mine look invisible. Her skin was pale to the extreme; you could see the blood pulsing along her throat. Her eyes penetrated mine causing me to jump again. I tried to regain some composure and not show how surprised I was that someone actually was approaching me. I rolled down my window so I could speak to her. After I had done that, she leaned forward; resting her elbows on the car windowsill (a/n: can't think of the right word for it uggg).

"Do you have a lighter?" Her voice was thick and raspy. It was clear she was a heavy smoker. I was amazed that she would ask me for a lighter; did I look like a smoker? I hope I didn't.

"ehh no sorry." Wait why did I say sorry? I wasn't sorry. Smoking was bad.

She just kept starring at me with her icy eyes until she was satisfied. After a few seconds had pasted she left, leaving me alone. I watched her walk away from my car. Her steps were cat like and yet forced at the same time. She softly swayed her hips as she moved towards the other side of the parking lot.

I did something impulsive. I truly didn't know why I was doing this. I got out my car and ran after her. I stumbled to catch up to her. I tried to maneuver past the cars with the grace she had but I failed miserably. I fell on to my hands when I got my pants caught on a fender of a car. I heard my pants ripe as I landed on the pavement. Why does everything bad happen to me? I struggle to get in seating position by the car so I could ripe my pants of its fender. As I did this I could feel the stinging sensation on my palms. I had scraped my hands pretty badly.

"Here let me help you." I gasped as I heard her voice so close to my ear. I let go of my pants as I watched her effortlessly ripped my pants out of the fender. She smiled at me after she had done it. She got up and looked like she was about to leave me. This made me cringe, everyone was leaving me. Was I that much of a pest? But she steadied herself against the car and reach out a hand to help me up. I smiled automatically; I glad that she was willing to put up with me.

"So I'm guessing you still don't have a lighter."

"Umm… No sorry." I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and decided I had been out of my safety bubble for too long. I had had too much human contact. I wasn't use to that, this was risking my sanity. If I continued to be around this girl, she could metal away some of the ice in me and I couldn't risk that. God knows what could come out of my chest if it was melted open. There certainly wasn't a heart in there. That was stolen 3 months ago.

I turned around and mumble something like "Sorry for bothering you." I rushed away from her; cursing myself for allowing me to seek human comfort and risk my mind. I didn't deserve her kindness either.

Before I could take two steps I felt a hand grab the back of my hoodie and pull me back towards the girl. I whirled around to find myself inches away from her face.

"Where do you think you're going?" I felt her breath on my face as soon as she spoke to me. I could smell the cigarettes on her breath mixed with mints. It made my mind go blurred like a bad signal on a cell phone. I was instantly intimated by her; but I stay silent and didn't move.

She let go of my hoodie and started to walk the other way. I followed her letting her lead me to where ever she was going. My head was shouting for me to run back to the safety of your truck. You can lock the doors and cry for another four hours then go home and cry some more. But I decided against that. I had promised myself that I would make myself get friends no matter what the cost was. I had to come alive for Charlie, and right now coming alive meant following this girl. I tried to be as silent as possible as I walked behind her. I knew this girl was trouble, but at this point I really just didn't care.

**a/n **

**I promisseee!!!! That the next chapter will be way more exciting!! Sorry if this came off as boring…. I feel like these last two chapters are stalling the events that are going to happen…..**

**Should I continue???**

**Reviews are appreciated and encouraged**


	6. ch 5:rose are red, violets are blue

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**Chapter 5**

**Roses are Red Violets are Blue…**

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

**Previously: **_I had to come alive for Charlie, and right now coming alive meant following this girl. I tried to be as silent as possible as I walked behind her. I knew this girl was trouble, but at this point I really just didn't care._

* * *

I stalked after her, afraid to lose sight of her. She made her way to a silver Toyota. She opened up the door and slid in. I didn't even hesitate to get in the car. I just jumped in and buckled myself up. I was ready for a ride, even though I had no idea where we were going. All that I knew was where ever we went; I hope it led to somewhere better than here.

I sat down and slowly tried to mold myself to fit in the car like I belonged here. The girl accelerated out of the parking lot at an unreasonable speed. I fidgeted with my hands trying not to seem nervous sitting next to a girl I had just met. My eyes kept darting to the girl and to the road she was driving down. Just in case she turned out to be a murderer I wanted to make sure I could walk home. I saw the girl out of the corner of my eye glance at me. She smirked slightly. This made me extra nervous and I decided to spend the rest of the trip just starring at my hands. I picked at my cuticles until they began to bleed. I petted my smooth nails to make sure I could still feel the texture of utter perfection.

She finally broke the silence that was hovering over our heads, "So, I'm Katherine, and you are?"

She paused to let me fill in the blank.

"Bella, Bella Swan." I mumbled to satisfy her question.

"Well, Bella, Bella Swan… Do you mind if we go to my house, I'm kind of tired?"

I didn't look in her direction but I could feel her eyes dancing on my skin as she waited for an answer. I nodded to show my quiet acceptance of her request.

I snuck a glance at her to see what she was thinking. I expect to see pity written all over her face with indifference. That was everyone's response to me. I was use to it, but hated it with a passion. But when I looked over I saw nothing I was expecting. I saw a look of just curiosity, not pity. She just seemed to be bemused by my reactions. A smile was hiding from her face but she quickly threw it away trying to be serious about the matter.

Her husky voice continued the conversation out loud ignoring my need for complete and utter silence. "So you don't talk much do you? Well that's okay I'll talk for you. I like the sound of my own voice to much, I probably wouldn't let you talk at all anyway."

She was laughing at her own private joke. I looked back at my hands and crunched them into a fist and watched the veils protrude more as I clenched harder and harder. I watched them disappear as I slowly released my grip. I felt the moisture of the blood from my bleeding cuticles on my fingertips. I took a deep breath and tried to have a normal conversation for once.

My voice shook as I treaded into forgotten territory. "Not to be rude but umm-umm why did you approach me?"

I finished strong; I was so happy. Then I went back to looking at my bleeding cuticles wondering why the smell didn't bother me anymore. I'd have to revisit this topic another time. In fact the blood running made me think I was bleeding out love. It was comforting in an odd morbid way. But I didn't care. I watched a droplet form at the tip of finger; it looked like a rose petal about to fall away from the rose. I lifted my finger up to my face to see the droplet up close. This droplet seemed to catch a light and hit Katherine's eye causing her to look my way. She lifted one perfectly plucked eyebrow and gave me that "whatever floats your boat look".

"You drop it on my car; you're buying me a new car. Do it, really, I dare you. I've been dying for a new car."

I puckered up my lips in frustration. She handed me a napkin to wipe off the rose petal and the roots that led back to my cuticles. After I did that, I opened up the window and tossed the napkin out the window.

I pouted angrily, I was mad that I had acted so odd and weird in front of the only person that seemed to be able to be around me.

"You're kind of a freak, that's what the kids at school say and I think there right." The girl really did know how to make me feel better didn't she? Not only was I pitied but now I was labeled as a freak, how delightful. "But who cares, you should hear the shit they say about me. We outcastes got to stick together. I mean look at me". I looked at her and I sure did understand what she meant. I could see the rumors that could and were formed about her. She laughed sarcastically in my direction and lightly hit my shoulder.

I spent the rest of the car ride listening to Katherine chatter aimlessly about nothing. It was comforting to hear her voice fill up the silence. It was a comfortable humming in the back of my head preventing me from reminiscing about my past and him.

We finally arrived at Katherine's house or Kathy, as I soon found out that was what she actually went by. She lived in a rundown house. It looked like it hadn't had any visitors for years. There was dust on every surface of the outside. There were streak marks along the side of the windows showing the scars the rain had left behind. The grass had slowly died along with any memory the house had had. The fence was broken apart like a storm had come and uprooted it. I stood outside the car taking in the overall feel of the house. I felt something from the house. I couldn't put my finger on it but I felt something strong from this house.

I ignored that feeling and followed Kathy into the house. She opened up the door and was greeted by a little bright eyed child.

I watched as the child crashed into Kathy and giggled in delight to see her. I guess that was Kathy's sister Violet. She had mentioned her on the car ride over here.

The little girl turned to stare at me with her purplish eyes. They were slightly blue like her sisters but were tainted with purple. Her eyes penetrated my soul and she saw something I didn't want her to see. I was soulless. She had stopped talking when she saw me. She turned to go to the kitchen; pretending like I didn't exist. I looked up at Kathy to see what was wrong with me and she just shook her head. She was obviously silently telling me that it wasn't me.

Kathy and I followed Violet into the kitchen. We went and sat at the counter and watched Violet make a grill cheese sandwich.

"So what happened between you and the Cullen?"

This was good; she was already a head of the game. She already knew not to use his name. I watched Violet lay slices of cheese on bread and fry it. I thought carefully if I should tell Kathy anything. I mentally made a pro con list of whether I should tell her; but in the end of the day I decided I should. I was the one to go after her. I sought out her companionship, at this point it was wrong to deny her the answer she wanted. Maybe she wouldn't leave me if I told her of the nightmare I had had for the past three months. Before I could second guess myself I launched into my pity story of how my heart was ripped out and stolen.

She listened and didn't say anything. At times she'd mumble ass or oh my god; but other than that she was quiet and let me tell the story uninterrupted. I saw Violet tilt herself in my direction to hear my story too. I finished up by telling her they moved leaving me behind and what happened in the woods.

After I had finished, I flipped my hair in front of my face to hide my eyes from her reaction. I looked down to study my hands. I saw my blood crusted cuticles, and I gazed at my veins traveling up and down my hands.

I heard Kathy get up, but I didn't look up.

"What are you doing; come on, are you coming or what?"

I looked up, shock to see where Kathy was. She at the front of the house holding the door open waiting for me to follow her; I gave her a questioning expression.

She just pointed her finger at me then toward the door signaling to me that we were going out whether I wanted to or not.

I shuffled to the door; I was still unwilling to look her in the eye. I was scared to see her expression change from carefree to pity. She slammed the door after me and walked to her car. I got in the car and buckled in. she turned on the car and backed out of the drive way.

"Where-where are we going?"

She turned her head to smile at me and nonchalantly replied, "Depends, where does Cullen live?"

"ehh….."

* * *


	7. chapter 6: breaking point

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**Chapter 6**

**Part 1**

**Breaking Point **

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

_Previously:_

"_Where-where are we going?"_

_She turned her head to smile at me and nonchalantly replied, "Depends, where does Cullen live?"_

"_ehh….."_

I sat in the car dazed. I just watched the trees pass by as Kathy drove to the Cullen's house. I saw the sun begin to set over the horizon. Charlie would probably be wondering where I was by now. I strangely didn't care. I just continued to gaze off into the sky watching the last beams of sun ray mix with the sky.

I finally saw the white house come in view. It gleamed; this house was the twilight of my soul. I always knew this, and seeing it here before my eyes just reinforced that fact. I watched it get bigger and bigger as Kathy drove up the winding road.

I began to get nervous coming to this house. I didn't want to come here, why did I let her take me here? I felt my breathes coming in shallower and shallower. I grabbed the passenger door handle and tried to stead my breathing. I gripped it as hard as I could until fist was bright white.

"What the fuck are you doing bells???"

I hadn't even realized what I was doing. I had grabbed the door handle and wrenched it open. I was doing anything in my power to get away from this house, the sin and hopes of my dreams.

I felt her stomp on the brakes as I felt myself fly out of the car. I felt a rush of air onto my face as I was lifted into a space. But then I felt impact, I felt my left side get thrashed into the dirt. I rolled a couple more feet and just stopped. I felt blood begin to trickle down my face and my wrist felt like it had been twisted off. I lay in the dirt just breathing.

I had officially lost my mind, had just flung myself of a car to get away from anything that still might have his smell on it. To get away from anything he touched, or cared about. I just stayed in the dirt because that was where I belonged.

I heard Kathy stop the car a few feet ahead. I also heard the crunch of the leaves as she walked towards my raged body. I felt her poke my body to see if I still was alive.

"Well what the fuck are you waiting for? Get up; what do you think I'm going to do, carry you?"

I finally got up. I tried to brush some of the leaves off my pants but couldn't because Kathy was already dragging me towards the car. She was very strong for her condition, surprisingly strong.

I watched her drag me past the car and down the road. How strange why weren't we taking the car?

"Why aren't we taking the car?"

"What the fuck do you think? I'm not letting you jump out of the fucking car again, dumb shit."

I don't think I was meant to hear the last part. I didn't respond, pretending like I didn't hear anything, because that was what I was good at, pretending.

We walked down the dirt path and all you could here was the shuffling of our feet and the slight breeze that picked up our sent.

We neared the house and I finally saw, that we weren't the only people to be visiting the Cullen house hold today.

Parked outside was a silver Volvo.

**A/N**

**Sorry I'm having major writer's block, not writers block, just unmotivated to write this story.**

**So this chapter was a piece of crap. But whatever, I'm posting what i have so far for ch 6 because I might not continue this. You guys know what happens, you read the summary!**

**Tell me what to do, because I'm a second semester Junior and I need to do all these fucking test and college stuff. **

**So I won't waste my time writing this if it's bad. **

**Tell me to continue or not. **


	8. chapter 6 part two!

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**Chapter 6**

**Part 2**

**Breaking Point **

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

_Previously:_

_We neared the house and I finally saw, that we weren't the only people to be visiting the Cullen house hold today._

_Parked outside was a silver Volvo._

_**AN: you guys are going to kill me… enjoy!**_

_**Murphy's law – always assume the worst……**_

I forgot to breath, I hadn't done that in such a long time that I had forgotten the sensation; and I hadn't realized that my brain cells were slowly dying as I continued to refuse oxygen.

Kathy kept pulling me towards the house as I continued to stare at the silver Volvo. I watched it sparkle in the sun as we neared the house.

I finally took in a breath; it didn't help to clear my now scattered mind.

My heart began to pound like crazy. All these thoughts were breaking lose in my mind.

_Is he back?_

_He wants me?_

_What is he doing here?_

_Does he still hate me?_

I was scared.

It was one thing to have him move away and not love me, but it was a whole another matter for him to live near me and not want me. I couldn't bear to be near him without touching him or loving him, and that was the reason why he couldn't be near me. I was a needy human being that he needed to get rid of.

_So why was he here?_

I was so scared to see him again and see those stone cold eyes glare at me, but I was excited to be able to see him just one more time.

He was my drug and I just wanted one more hit, just one more.

I hurried towards the car; I was running ahead of Kathy now. She probably thought I was crazy since I kept changing my mind on if I want to see or run away from this house.

I charged to the car and slammed into it. I stroked the car softly appreciating its sleek coat. I wanted so badly to crawl into it and smell his scent that was mingled in the air of the car. I wanted to hide in the trunk and have him take me with him; wherever he went I would try to follow. I wouldn't let him slip through my hands so easily now. I wouldn't give up without a fight.

I was so distracted that I didn't hear the exchange that was going on behind me.

"Umm what are you doing on my property?"

"Excuse me??? Your property??? Bitch please; I believe this is owned by the Cullens not by your skinny white ass."

"Skinny white ass? Excuse me? I don't think you know who you're talking too."

I turned around to see that Kathy was talking to someone that I had never seen before in my life. She wasn't human; I could tell by her unnaturally beautiful face that she was indeed another vampire. But what was she doing here?

Wait, blond hair, golden eyes, perfect body; I had heard of her, but had never met her. She was the vampire the Cullens referred to as Tanya.

I winced as I said her name in my mind. She was the beautiful vampire that had tried to claim Edward as her own. She was the better match for him.

_But why did she have his car?_

_Was she his distraction?_

I felt my insides rip apart as I thought of them together, perfect. I froze as this dawned on me, Edward had moved on. I felt that the world had frozen before my very eyes and that I was dying.

I couldn't stand being here, seeing the woman that was with the love of my life. I had to get away from here, from everything. I couldn't do this anymore. I just couldn't. I give up, you win. I've been broken beyond repair and I was tired of trying to repair myself. One step forward, 5 million steps backwards. I couldn't do anything, accept run.

I started running, that was the only thing left to do. The only thing I could do at this point.

I started running away from Tanya, the house, from everything. I couldn't stand it anymore. It wasn't worth it anymore. It just wasn't.

I ran down the dirt road. I listened to the pitter patter of my feet against the dirt. I concentrated on breathing. I tried so hard to hold in the tears. But a few leak into my eye, blurring my vision. I kept running until my feet tripped over a branch. I felt myself land on my face again. This time I wasn't so lucky. I felt my ankle twist in an awkward direction. I could already tell my ankle was going to be too painful to walk on, so much for running.

They took away the last thing I had; now I absolutely had nothing.

I felt something grab my arms and pull me up. I closed my eyes and kept my body limp, I was tired of trying. I wanted to feel nothing. I also wanted the pain in my ankle to go away. I continued to feel myself being lifted in the air and shoved into the car. My arms and legs were just flipping around as they pleased, I didn't have the will to control them.

I heard the door close and then a couple seconds later I heard the driver door open and close. I felt the rumble of the car starting. Felt my head getting tossed forward as we drove away from the Cullens house.

A couple minutes passed and I finally opened my eyes. I slowly took in my surroundings. At least the worst was over; at least Kathy wouldn't drag me over there anymore.

I tried to move my leg but I winced as my ankle banged against the side of the door. I am so clumsy at the worst times to be clumsy.

"Do you want something for your ankle?"

I nodded weakly; hoping whatever she gave me would take everything away, not just the pain.

At the stop sign I saw her rummage through her purse and pull out a bottle of pills. What kind of girl keeps pills in her purse? Were you even allowed to take pills while you were in her condition? I was no doctor but I was pretty sure you couldn't take pills or drink caffeine. But what did I know? Nothing.

I grabbed the bottle from her and took two pills without water. I hoped these worked fast, the pain in my ankle was begins to become unbearable.

"Wait what kind of pills did I just take?"

I had just realized I had taken pills without even knowing what they were. Who was I turning into?

"Doesn't matter, they'll help, that's all you need to know."

That was all I needed to know.

But little did I know I really did need to know more.

I needed to know a lot more.


	9. Chapter 7: fake fun

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**Chapter 7**

**Part 2**

**FAKE FUN**

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

_Previously: __But little did I know I really did need to know more._

_I needed to know a lot more._

I spent the whole trip wondering about the pills. When we finally arrived at her house I was still thinking about them. After Kathy had a snack I was still wondering about them.

I found my mind wonder off as we watched a movie in the living room. We were watching The Descent. (A/n: the movie was amazing and I usually don't find scary movies that interesting.) I jumped a few times when the monsters popped up but I just kept wondering about the pills.

I mean how did she get them? She got them from someone random or did she get them from a doctor? So they were just painkillers right? And she's not a doctor so she shouldn't have pain killers, that why she didn't tell me what they were. But then again how many pain killers have a dolphin printed on it. At least I think it was a dolphin print on it. Well maybe it was just a new medical way of printing designs on pills.

Yeah right, what did I know? Nothing. Yeah that's right I didn't know anything so why should care? Well I don't care so it didn't ever matter. They were pain killers in my mind so they were pain killers. I don't care what you tell me.

Yeah that's right; I Bella Swan doesn't give a crap what all you think. You all could jump off a cliff and I wouldn't care. Really all I cared about was my best friend Kathy and she was right next to me, wait no she was in the bathroom. Well at least we were in the same house. Well at least I had best friend.

I was getting really bored here, I didn't want to just watch this stupid movie anymore, I wanted to do something fun. Something that would shake up my spirit and make Edward disappointed in me. I giggled as I thought his name.

That's right, tonight me and Kathy were going to do something fun, that would have proper Edward shocked. I would kick down the pedestal I held myself high on. I would sink to the level of an average teenager, because heck, you only live once and you only get to live for a normal amount of time.

Me and Kathy were going to do something fun, I don't know what that fun was but It was going to be amazing.

What was taking Kathy so long; did she get stuck in the toilet? I giggled again at my littler joke, hmm? I was giggling a lot, maybe Kathy was really a good influence on me. Yeah she was exactly the person I needed.

I saw her little sister wonder into the room and she saw my face and ran off. How weird, hmm kids, what can you do with them?

For once in a long time I felt that I had a lot of energy. I wanted to go dancing or run, something exhilarating.

Where was Kathy?

Humph, well I was going to find her and drag her little butt out with me. Well the only small part of her was her butt. I giggled again at my little joke; I could be a freaking comedian. Maybe that was what I was meant to do for a living. Hah!

I could see it now, I didn't even notice but I was doing circles around the couch, hmm how strange. I didn't even realize I was doing this. Well I did have a lot of energy, hmm, maybe I should start doing jump jacks, nah those are boring. Wow where did all this energy come from? Wow was it hot in here or was it me?

I started taking off my sweaters, hmm hot in Forks, that's a new one. Oh wait I wanted to go see where Kathy was, hmm I wonder why her sister scared of me.

I wondered over to the bathroom and peered in to see what Kathy was doing. I saw a razor blade and a straw on the counter. Was she cleaning? Hmm? Haha why was she cleaning when she could be hang out with me?!! I saw her leaning her head against the bathroom wall. Was she sleeping? Hmm I don't wannnt to disturbed.

I tried to close the door softly but I heard a large thud. Opps so much for not waking her up, tehe…

Hmm I was going to find her sister and see what her deal was? I mean what's not to like about me? I was a nice girl, hell I even dated a vampire, pretty cool right??!! I was the shizzz and she should be happy I was hangout with her.

I waltz into the backyard and found her bouncing on a trampoline. Oh my god that looked like tons of fun! I wanted to bounce on it.

She saw me and stopped bouncing, that's right stop and stare, pshh people are just jealous.

Well I might as well try to make nice, I smiled and waved at her.

She shy waved back, hell yeah I had a new friend.

I got on the trampoline and started bouncing, wow these pain meds really worked. I couldn't feel any pain in my ankle. Wow I was going to have to take some home just in case I hurt myself again and needed some relief.

Pretty soon I was holding Violets hands (Kathy's sister if you forgot taha) and we were bouncing around in circles, I had never had so much fun in my life. Haha.

I was having so much fun that it didn't even hurt that much when I fell off the trampoline. I laughed as I looked at my wrist; it was all bruised from the impact of landing on my wrist for the second time today. Haha I can be such a klutz, it was kind of cute. It looked like it was broken, but once again what did I know, I wasn't a doctor.

Taha the only doctor stuff I knew was what Edward told me, and at this point I was starting to think Edward was a compulsive liar. I mean he lied about the whole loving me thing, I mean that was a really pain, but he also lied about the puppies, wait what? What puppies? No I'm pretty sure he lied about that.

Violet came over to me and looked really concerned about something. She grabbed me and took me inside. She led me to the kitchen and sat me down. I saw Kathy was on the couch staring at the TV; hmm she was finally done cleaning. I felt something cold against my skin, ahh it was an ice pack, haha ice pack.

Hmm I wonder if Violet knew anything about the puppies…

I watched her fix me a snack, eww food. I didn't want to eat, I wanted to dance, drive, do something fun. Eating was for loser, in fact food in general just was eww. Wait I can't remember the last time I ate. Hmm see???? I don't eat and I'm perfectly fineeee…..

I spent the rest of the night with Violet and Kathy. We watched a lot of movies and had a food fight, well I had a food fight with myself while Kathy and violet ate their dinner. Food fights are tons of fun.

Wow it was 3 in the morning? Where did time go?

No really where did it all go?

I found Violet setting up a bed for me on the couch. I found myself pouting, I really didn't want to go to bed, and I wanted to have more fun!

She forced me into bed, even though I put up a really good fight; I still had tons of energy.

I spent the rest of the night rolling around on the couch trying to sleep. I try making a song to the beat of my heart, but it was going too fast for me to count. Wow it was still really hot. Stripped down to a shirt and underwear I was still unbearable hot. I kept drawing little designs in the air; I was doing anything to entertain my mind. My mind had been expanded in so many ways and I owed it all to Kathy.

I don't know what she did, but she did it!

She made me feel better.

It was now 7 in the morning, what was everyone doing still sleeping?

Wait what was that?

Was there an animal in the house?

Wait was it the puppy?

No, puppies didn't make that kind of noise.

Oh my god it was here to kill me.

I knew I wasn't allowed to be happy.

I would go down fight.

You couldn't take this away from me.

NoNONONONONONONONONONONOOOOO

There it was again.

That noise.

What that?

I just saw something out of the corner of my eye.

Oh my god it was in the same room as me.

I grabbed the first thing I saw and threw it across the room towards the animal.

I heard a crash and I broke out into a scream.

I got up and ran to the kitchen to grab a knife.

I was going to kick ass.

I ran back to the couch to wait for it.

I saw it again.

It was too fast!!!

I was going to die.

I felt my heart pounding in my ears, my hands were clammy.

I broke out into a run, I ran into the coat closet and hide in it. Hopefully it wouldn't find me here.

**4 hours later**

I knew it was waiting for me to come out and surrender but nooo I wouldn't. I wouldn't go down without a fight!

I heard footsteps. I heard voices; they were coming closer and closer.

I heard the knob turned and I felt the blinding light piece my eyes. I instantly shrank away from it.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"uhh, nothing."


	10. chapter 8: the pattern

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**Chapter 8**

**THE PATERN…**

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

_Previously: "What the fuck are you doing?"_

"_uhh, nothing__."_

I finally made it out of the closet. I was forced fed some breakfast and sent home.

I didn't have to sneak past Charlie since he had already gone fishing.

Did I call him last night? I think Kathy did.

Okay good, I don't need to get in trouble with him, since I already was carrying pain killers on me. It would have be bad if he had found them on me. But I need them for my wrist which was now throbbing and I could bare think around the pain. These drugs weren't for fun; they were to take away the pain.

It was good thing Kathy was such a good friend to let me have her pain killers, no matter what kind of animal was printed on it.

I really needed another pill; oh I forgot to ask her what kind of pain killers they were. Oh well I'll ask her next time.

I was so tired but I still couldn't sleep, was that a side effect of the pain killer? They keep you awake?

Maybe I should careful as to how often I take them. But I would need some soon; my wrist was hurting and it might even be broken. I might want to get a cast for it. Wait I had wrist protector in my drawer, I could put that on and that would be just as good as a cast (A/n can't think of the right word for it but you know what I'm talking about right?).

I dashed upstairs to put it on. After I put it on I felt my breakfast come back up. I threw it up and then brush my teeth. Maybe I was coming down with bug? I didn't feel that good. My head was pounding, I could hear the blood rushing in my ears.

I really needed to sleep. I hadn't slept in over 32 hours, I really needed to sleep. Yet I still couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried.

I spent the rest of the day on the couch watching TV; hopefully I would grow tired of TV and finally sleep. Wait when was the last I ate something? Breakfast, but what was the last thing I ate and kept down, dinner two days ago, wow that was a long time ago. I should eat something.

I still couldn't sleep or eat. My wrist was throbbing.

Charlie came back from fishing and we chatted for a while.

I pretended to grow tired and go upstairs to my bedroom.

It wasn't until 3 in the morning that pasted out to dream about a horrible creature that was trying to kill me. At least I didn't dream about him…..

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Three weeks had passed since that night.

We had developed a pattern.

I spent all my times with Violet and Kathy.

I no longer considered my home at Charlie's house.

I belonged at Kathy's house.

I took my pills like a good little girl.

I soon learned that Kathy spent all her time doing cocaine.

I wonder how the baby will turn out.

She's seven months pregnant.

She was always high and kind of mean when she was high.

We fought about the kid, which was being turned into a crack baby.

I stopped caring about the baby afterwards.

I spent all my times with Violet.

She was always nice to me.

She took care of me when the monsters came.

When I would scream so loud she'd start singing to me.

I wish I could steal her from Kathy and have her as a sister.

It's not like Kathy cared for Violet that much.

So when I can, I take care of violet.

She's like my child now.

Sometimes I want a baby so I will have something that will love me.

But no one will sleep with me.

So I have Violet, as my child.

Sometimes I wonder where their parents went.

I'm scared to ask.

I just kind of stopped caring.

About everything.

Hmm, I don't know if I'm better now or before I met her.

I think I'm better now.

I no longer have to worry about dreaming about him.

I don't sleep.

I don't have to worry about buying food.

I don't eat.

I don't change my clothes or shower.

I save time that way, plus money too.

You could say that I'm worse off now.

But don't judge me.

Until you've lived my life.

I chose to live how I want too.

And all you haters well you guys can all go die.

So it's just me and Kathy.

She's seven months pregnant.

And it's been four months since he left me.

And all I hear are their voices.


	11. chapter 9: hit and hide

**Love lost. Insanity lost.**

**Chapter 9**

**Hit and Hide.**

**A story by: Deathbyscreams**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I just play tea party with them.**

"_**Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."**_

_Previously:__ And it's been four months since he left me. _

_And all I hear are their voices. _

I followed my pattern as usual.

I woke at to go to school but I only went to first period because Kathy wasn't here. School wasn't worth going to if Kathy wasn't here. So I drove over to Kathy's house to see what she was up too. I took out my pills to see how many I had left. I had six left, I was going to have to ask her for more soon.

It had begun to lightly rain as I drove to her house. I hate this weather. I wish me and Kathy long with Violet could just run away from this place.

I drove up to house and I saw the door was wide open, how strange.

I got out of the car and ran to the house, trying my best not to get to wet.

I dashed into the house to be greeted by a not so happy Violet. She looked like she had been crying a lot.

"What's wrong?"

I got down on my knees so that I could get a better look at violet and find out what was wrong.

She murmured about something but I couldn't understand her. I ran to Kathy's room to try to find out what was going on. Violet continued to babble about something being broken.

When I entered Kathy's room I heard her moaning in pain. I was instantly struck with panic. I now understood why Violet wasn't coherent I found myself unable to think.

Kathy saw me and screamed at me to do something, but I found that I couldn't do anything.

"FREAKING CALL HIM! IT'S THE BABY!"

What the baby? She was only 7 months pregnant, was she going into labor?

Was it dead?

Oh my god was it killing her?

I didn't know who to call, so just numbly handed her the phone so she could make the phone call.

After she made it, my mind snapped into gear, I had to take her to the hospital.

I grabbed Kathy and helped her to the car and drove like a manic to the hospital. I kept chanting to myself that I would be okay, these were just fake contractions. Kathy and her crack baby were going to be fine. Everything was going to be fine.

We got her a doctor and that was left for me to do was wait. I didn't know what was happening. I wasn't family so I wasn't allowed in. I tried to calm my nerves as best I could.

2 hours had passed.

I had called home to Violet and told her to go to the market to get food for Kathy.

I spent the rest of the time watching the over people in the waiting room. I would make up stories for why they were there. I watched a guy in his twenties dashing into the waiting room clearly looking for someone.

He kept looking around until he zeroed on to me. What why was he staring at me?

He looked extremely pissed.

He walked over to me and politely asked to talk to me outside. He's voice and movements were all tightly controlled. I was confused, how did this man know me? He was in scrubs so he must be operating on Kathy, so I followed in outside. It was now pouring. I felt the rain seep through my hair and make my scalp shiver.

I watched the man in front me get soaked in the rain. I waited patiently for him to tell me what was going on, but it was clear that I would have to be the one to start the conversation.

"Is she okay? I mean are they okay?"

It had been a while since I even noticed that Kathy was pregnant.

Oh my god was he the father?

I waited for him to answer my question but I wasn't prepared for him to scream at me.

"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE, ITS PRETTY CLEAR YOU KILLED HER?"

"wha-wha?"

"YOU'RE THE FUCKING BITCH THAT FED HER THE DRUGS, YOU KILLED OUR CHILD. YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM HER. GOD I COULD KILL!"

"wha-no-no I didn't do anything."

My world was ripping apart, how could this man think this? I didn't feed her the drugs, I didn't do anything. I wouldn't do anything to hurt my best friend.

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER SELL A PREGANANT WOMAN DRUGS? HOW DARE YOU GET HER ADDICTED THEM TO HER? I LOVE HER AND YOU DESTROYED HER."

He was shaking with rage and all I could do was stay quiet. My head was screaming so loudly to deny everything he said. I wanted so badly to tell him that she was like this before I met her. I wanted to deny everything. But all I could do was stand and stare at him.

I wanted to get angry at him, how dare he accuse me of killing her, when I was the only person there for her, while she was pregnant. I was the only one to still love her while she was pregnant. Where was he when she cried, when she shook uncontrollable with fear of having a child. I was there for her. How dare he say I kill their child?

It was never his child to begin with, if anything I was its other parent. I was the only one for Kathy. I wanted so badly to scream right back at him and blame him for what happened. But I didn't I just stood silently letting him blame me.

I felt with ever word that he spat at me that they began to make sense. I felt my strong will that I was the reason she was still alive begin to dissolve. Maybe I was the reason that Kathy's child was dead. I felt my insides begin to crumble to pieces as this dawned on me.

I still hadn't said anything. I just kept staring at the pavement. I watched the water hit the pavement and disappear. I couldn't believe this. I don't understand how this all happened.

I wish I could disappear.

I was too busy having a pity party when I felt a fist smash against my right cheek. I heard a crack when the fist touched my cheek. I feel over onto the pavement. I just stayed down hoping that the earth would open up and eat me. Also I hoped that the man thought I was dead and would leave me alone.

"You're fucking pathetic."

He spat on me and I heard him walk back to the hospital.

I tried so hard to hold in the tears, but found that I had none left. I hadn't cried in three weeks and I still couldn't cry now. I felt dry and empty. The tears just wouldn't come out. I let the rain hit my body and completely soak me. I wish that it would start flooding so that I could drown in misery. I wanted to die so badly.

I was a horrible person, anyone that was close to me had to leave or I destroyed them.

I felt my bones begin to grow numb. I finally picked myself up and limbed over to my car. There was no point in going back to the hospital since I would probably get hit again. I couldn't talk to Violet since she was Kathy's sister. I had no other choice but to go home.

I dragged myself into the car. I locked the doors and tried again to cry about the death of Kathy's child. I still couldn't cry. It was like I didn't care, but I did. I felt horrible about what happen. I couldn't keep my hands from shaking as I thought about Kathy and how I had destroyed her life.

I slowly drove myself insane and started banning my head against the steering wheel.

I found my voice piecing my ear drums; my month had lost control and began to scream. I felt so out of control and scared. I felt so lost, I had never felt this lost before.

There was only one last thing to do. I grabbed the pill bottle and took three pills. I felt instant relief. At least one thing would stay constant in my life. But I couldn't get rid of the guilt I had for killing a child.

I wanted to ripe my hair out, I wanted to feel a small ounce of the pain I had caused everyone around me.

I lifted my broken wrist and banned it against the steering wheel, I screamed out in pain as I heard a crack telling me that I had destroyed any progress that had been made with it. I felt the world turn black around the corners as the pain over took my mind.

I shook myself awake so that I could drive home. I could barely think while I drove home.

The pain and the drugs were begins to mix to create an unpleasant mixture of anxiety and total numbness. I couldn't even feel my other body parts.

Lucky Charlie was on a 5 day long fishing trip so I wouldn't have to pretend for him. He had soon learned that I no longer wanted him around so he tried to remove himself from my life. I know that sounds selfish but I'll do anything to keep myself alive at this.

And let's face it; the odds are looking good for us.

I couldn't see anything as I drove home; I felt my blood pressure raise all I could hear was the pounding of my heart.

My hands began to shake from excitement I could tell the drugs were coming into affect.

I could no longer really feel the pain of my wrist; it was a distant tingle now.

I knew I should pull over but I didn't want too.

I could drive home, I was almost there. I was passing the super market now.

I was two minutes away from getting home.

I didn't need to pull over.

I got distracted by the way the trees looked in the rain and how hot it was in the car that I didn't see her.

I didn't see her.

I swear.

I did mean too.

I'm sorry.

I killed her.

I didn't even stick around to make sure someone took care of her.

I just drove home afterward.

I'm sorry.

I'm –

Sor---------------

**A/N: I know sad chapter**

**But yeah I hope it that part with the dad didn't confuse you. I probably should have done a better of explaining ?**

**Kathy basically blamed bella for the lose of their child so she wouldn't get in troublee**

**Review! Sneak peak. Sorry I didn't do it last chapter**

**But I will for this**

**sorry i have to goo!!! omg kk give me some love please!**


	12. chapter 10: Dreams

**Chapter 10 **

**Dreams**

**A/N: Seriously I'm sorry if this chapter sucked, I had some serious issues writing it. **

**I almost made it two chapters but decided I hadn't updated in a while, so the chapter is extra long….**

**Please don't kill me. I'm scared about what kind of reaction I get…..**

** Important Author Note : if you suffer from suicidal thoughts or depression please get help at .com/ or /**

**DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. everything even if seems like it never will, will get better. i Promise. just like this story will get better.**

I stared at my reflected.

I don't remember how I got home.

I don't remember how I even stumbled into the bathroom.

But I don't really care how I got here.

All that mattered was that I was _here._

All I could focus on was my reflection.

I distantly remember looking at myself one morning and remember thinking how empty I had looked. How I seemed to be nothing jammed into a body. I had looked like a ghost of the girl I use to know.

But that was nothing compared to how I looked now.

My hair was thin and oily; I can't recall the last time I took a shower.

My sink had turned a sickly grey.

I was thin.

To thin, I can't remember the last time I ate.

I should eat.

But I don't want to eat.

I climbed onto the bathroom counter to get closer to the mirror.

I stroked the glasses in front of my face.

My finger gently outlined the bags under my eyes.

My hands shook as I traced the other eye.

My finger went back to my face to make sure that this was real and that this was really happening. My hand glided over to my cheek that had turned a deep purple now. My skin tingled as my fingertips tapped softly at it.

I felt the blood rush to my head. My breath quickened and I felt my mind slip away.

I lifted my hand and slapped my wounded cheek. It left an echoing sound in the bathroom. I felt nothing.

I did it again. I lifted my hand as far as I could and slammed it against my face. I felt my neck snap away from my hand.

I still felt nothing.

I just simply felt nothing so I must be nothing, so I simply just let my body fall off the counter on to floor.

It made a giant thud as my body crashed to the ground.

I let my legs and arms sprawl away from me.

I heard nothing. It was to quiet. All I could head was the blood pumping in my veins and even that sounded weak to me.

I closed my eyes allowing fate to take over.

*

*

"_Bella, I will stay with you – isn't that enough?_

"_Enough for now. Look, I love you more than anything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"_

"_Yes, it is enough, enough for forever."_

_*_

_*_

"_You're the most important thing to me now, the most important thing to me ever."_

"_I'm here… which roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you. I'm such an idiot."_

"_You are an idiot, and so the Lion fell in love with the lamb?"_

_*_

_* _

HE PROMISED.

HE loved me.

The key word is loved.

He no long loves me.

Why didn't he love me anymore?

_Everything came back to him. _

_Everything came back to why he didn't love him anymore._

_Everything._

_I have nothing._

_Absolutely nothing._

But how could I be nothing? I was a living breathing human being.

But I was still nothing.

He took everything away.

My heart, my soul, my mind, everything

Why was he allowed to leave when I couldn't?

I was stuck in the past unable to move, while he went gallivanting around the world with god knows who.

THIS WASN'T FAIR.

Nothing was fair, and I was nothing.

And I was tired of being nothing.

I was so sick and tired of being nothing.

I wanted to be something, but all I could be was nothing because he took everything. I want it back. I wish, I wish I had never met him. He ruined me. He showed me the light and opened my eyes only to leave me, allowing me to become blind. I fell for him and he let me fall. Fall into a sea of nothing, into a bottomless pit, I was trapped in it without a single match.

I would do anything for a sign for something to show that I was still alive. I want a match. I want to get out. I do. I want to feel again.

But I can't, no matter how hard I try I couldn't get out. I'm fucking tired of clawing at the walls for a way out, because all that happens was that my fingers bled. And I am so tired bleeding. I don't want to see the red water anymore. Its stained my clothing marked me as an outsider, alienated me from other people.

I want clean white new clothing. I don't want to see the blood stains anymore. I don't want to be trapped. I don't want blood on me.

I want out. I want to be free, not trapped in this fucking black hole called my life.

*

*

Day turned into night. I felt myself drift into a sleep, just letting time pass. That was the only thing that was constant in my life. No matter how little I had I still had time. Time would always be here even if there was nothing else. It was a constant thing, it continued without my consent.

I woke up to the sun bathing the bathroom with light.

**A/N : Go take a bathroom break and come back. Here is where I would have broken it up into two chapters….. So take a pause, deep breath… and continue. **

****************************************

It was sunny for once. I felt the warmth hit my face. It heated my face up. It felt wrong.

But something changed, something broke. My heart stopped my breath stopped and I felt my eyes open up for the first time.

It was like the wet match in bottomless pit was finally lit.

I finally had something to grab and pull me out of the darkness.

And I was able to look around me for the first time.

And do you know what I saw? I saw a fucked girl. I saw all the destruction this girl had done because a boy left her.

Because he couldn't keep his fucking promises.

This little match not only allowing me to see around me but it made me feel.

I finally felt something. But all I felt was pain and anger.

I'm so tired of everything and nothing.

I don't want any of it. I wanted it to stop.

I rolled on to my stomach and tried to get onto my feet. I tried to get on my feet but my knees buckled. It was probably due to the fact that I had spent two days on the bathroom floor. I forced myself onto my feet.

I don't know what I was going to do, but I was going to do something.

I got up and looked at the bathroom that hadn't been cleaned in weeks, the reflection of a girl who was dead. I looked through door way into my room and saw the mess that was in there. I saw every little thing I had done. What was wrong with me? What did I do? How did I turn out this way? Why me?

I thought I was a reasonably good person, I got good grades, I was nice to everyone. What did I do to deserve this? I DID NOTHING.

I did nothing but love him. I trusted him. I loved him. I loved Edward Cullen and what had happened? He killed me He destroyed everything

I HATE HIM.

I felt the rage building up. My head hurt, my legs felt weak. I was so tired of feeling weak.

I can't fucking do this anymore.

My mind turned red and all I saw was fire.

This needed to change, I had to change.

I felt my mind slip into a closed box. That box was lock and I didn't care, I didn't want the key for once.

I heard my voice screaming and I felt my hands grab my hair and pull. I felt the pain of my hair being ripped out of my scalp. But I couldn't stop. All I was good at was swallow lies and destroying things. So this was what I was doing, I was going to destroy.

I my hand curling into fist and I punched at the mirror. I was so fucking tired of being reminded of who I was. My fist barely made a crack on the mirror. That only made me angrier. I couldn't even punch a mirror. Why was I still alive?

I couldn't think at all; all I could do was feel.

I repeatedly punched the mirror until all the shards of glass had fallen onto the counter. My knuckles were beginning to bleed and leak down my wrist.

But this wasn't good enough.

I went underneath the sink and tore everything out from underneath it, the cleaning producing, anything my weak hands could grab. I went over to the side cabinet and grabbed all the pills from the cabinet and opened up all the bottles and threw the pills on the bathroom floor. They belonged with me on the bathroom floor.

This still wasn't good enough.

I grabbed the giant wrench that was tossed carelessly on the floor. I looked at it and then I looked at the toilet. I felt more rage surge through my finger tips. I used all the strength I had left, all the strength Edward had failed to take away, to smash the toilet. I hit the wrench against the side of the toilet and I felt the impact shack my hands. It made my elbows hurt and my body collapse over the toilet.

But I wouldn't allow myself to rest. I didn't want to rest nor did I deserve to rest. My wrist hurt from the aftershock of hitting the toilet but I didn't care. I stood up straight and slammed the wrench against the toilet. My breath came out heavy and water began to spurt everywhere.

I watched the watch leak out on to the floor. Pretty soon it would flood the whole house, but I didn't care.

And why didn't care, because I was worthless.

I still didn't feel enough destruction and pain.

I reach out and grabbed the cabinet door. I put all my body weight on it until felt the blots weakening give in to my weight. The cabinet door became unhinged causing me to fall backwards against the shower door. I felt my back slam into it causing it to rattle. I turned around and threw the cabinet door at the shower door as hard as I could. It only caused it to bounce off the shower door softly. I screamed at it in frustration.

I walked to the other end of the bathroom and turned around to run towards the shower door. I felt the pieces of glass from the mirror cut through my foot and the tears finally stream down my cheeks as I ran towards the shower door. The blood rushed through my veins making my heart pump too fast and too hard. I felt my body collide with the door and then the sound of the glass shattering as my body was hurried through it. My body hit the wall and I felt the wind get knocked out of me. My body thrashed around like fish out of water. My head collide with the bathtub and I felt a ringing in my ear.

I finally realized something. Nothing had changed and nothing would.

A match lighted by nothing means that the match was never light. Because nothing can never light anything, nothing is just nothing, you need something to light a match .You see this match I light just let me be a fool and let me think I finally had an answer, when I never had it to begin with. I really just had nothing.

I was still in this black hole.

I didn't feel any anger anymore. I didn't want destruction or chaos. I just wanted to sleep, to fall into an eternal sleep.

I felt so weak and wanted to sleep for ten years maybe even for eternity. I was just too tired. I wanted to get away, to run away. I was trapped in this pit and I wanted out. And clearly screaming and destroying the bathroom wouldn't help. And I finally realized what would set me free. I felt like a blinding white light had just hit me and enlightened me on what to do.

_**Flash back**_

"_Mom how do you know there is a heaven, you can't prove it?"_

"_Bella where do you go when you dream, you go to heave n for a little bit?"_

"_Mother, dreaming is a chemical reaction that happens in your mind, you don't leave to go to heaven. That's impossible"_

"_Please Bella have a little hope. Heaven is like your dream, you get everything you want. After you die you go to your dream or" heaven" Gosh I have a little scientist for a daughter." _

"_Please mother, that's just silly."_

_**Flash back ends**_

I had never believed a word Rene had said until now. Or maybe I was only believing what I wanted to believe. I don't care. But all I wanted to do was dream forever. Which meant going to heaven? Sleeping at night wasn't enough anymore, need to be there forever because my life no longer held any importance to me.

I wanted to dream for ever, sleep forever, and be in heaven forever. I longed for peace.

For once in my life I felt hope and felt joy.

I was going to dream. I was going to go to heaven.

My body trembled as I got up to turn on the water. I winced; felt like that there was piece of glass imbedded in every part of my body. My body hurt so much. I plugged the bathtub and positioned myself so that my body was lying down comfortably in the tub now.

I watched the water rise in the tub. I saw the toilet leaking water everywhere, almost like a water fountain. There were shards of glass littering the floor. My blood was smeared casually around the bathroom. There were empty pill bottoms in the sink and the pills were on the ground. They had begun to melt in the water, the color was coming off. The water was now a mixture of colors; it kind of created a rainbow.

I turned my attention back to the water level and I saw that the water was turning a light pink color. It really was a lovely shade. I saw pieced of glass reflecting light in the bottom of the tub. They sparkled. A particular one caught my eye. I watched it attentively. I gently grabbed it out the water.

I thrashed it up my wrist.

I felt my body shaking and I realized it was because I was laughing. This the first time I had laughed in four months. I observed my surroundings. It felt like a battle zone to me. For some reason it felt romantic and very close to my heart. I felt like a soldier that had fought a long battle and was finally receiving her reward, death. I had fought hard and was allowed to go home to my dreams. I felt like there should have been some dramatic opera playing in the background. Everything should have been going in slow motion. I should have dressed up for the occasion. I bet Alice would be mad if she found out. I began to laugh again at the thought.

But wait… Alice…

_Edward_

"_So the lion fell in love with the lamb."_

No

I couldn't die.

Even if I couldn't have him, I didn't want to go to a place where he wouldn't be there.

I tried to thrash against the blood colored water and try to save myself, but I couldn't move. I glanced at the water it was now a deep shade of red. I tried again to pick myself up but I couldn't. I glanced around the room for something to help me, what was I thinking romantic? There was nothing romantic about the destruction I had caused. My breaths became frantic and my heart beat tried to match it. I clawed at the broken shards of glass that were left of the shower door. There was nothing to save me.

I felt my eyelids drupe as I began to lose my resolution. I let myself drift into a dream.

And slowly but surely my mind slowly unraveled at the seams and turned black. There were no dreams no magically colors. I felt nothing, I saw nothing. I really was nothing.

And that's when I realized my mom lied.

And I felt my heart beat one last time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


	13. Chapter 11 : Twilight

**Chapter 11**

**Twilight**

**We need to give Bella some relief and you the read and me the writer some relief too. **

**So I hope you enjoy.**

**This chapter felt a little cliché sorry! Can we please handle the cheesy factor and cute Bella some slack? **_**And it's important to the story.**_

_Because your candle burns too bright__  
__Well, I almost forgot it was twilight__  
__Even if I think that you are right__  
__Well, I'm tired of being down, I got no fight_

I need bleach. I need bleach to bleach my fucking soul. I need to make it white again; I don't need any more read stains.

I walked down stairs to do laundry, to wash my soul. As I walked down I noticed that the room was really bright. That feeling that the light was so bright it was seeping through your sink and into your heart. It was like when it was so bright that you know this couldn't be real. But I ignored that feeling and tried to focus on the task of wanting to wash my soul. When I made it into the living I saw her.

I saw Violet sitting on my couch. She was dressed in a pale white summer dress. She looked like she was about to attend a summer wedding. She did look lovely, like an angel.

I ran up to her and gave her a hug. I grabbed her and refused to let go of her. I kept mumbling I'm sorry I'm sorry as I cried. I leaned my head in her shoulder and breathed in her innocent smell. It smelled like vanilla and lilac.

I had no idea how to voice my regrets and remorse to her. All I could do was babble like an idiot. I didn't know how to tell her that I loved her like the child I never had and I killed her. I fucking killed her. I ruined everything I touched including her.

I wanted to tell her I was fucking sorry that I couldn't even bear to think about her during my suicide. Her name wasn't uttered one last time before I stopped breathing, his name was. I didn't even admit that I had killed her until now. I didn't dare think about it until now.

I didn't even fucking stay around to see if she was alive. I drove off. I wanted to tell her that I wish I could turn back time and not have killed her. I had no right to kill something so perfect and innocent. I felt sick just thinking about it. I wanted to puke or slit my wrist or something. I wanted to kill myself, but?

Wait was I dead? I remember the destruction I had left behind and my heart that had stopped beating. I remember all of it even though I wish I didn't.

Violet just watched me as I had my internal monologue when I really should have said all of these thoughts out loud and then begged for forgiveness even though I didn't deserve it.

I dug my head out of her shoulder and I finally looked into her eyes searching for hatred or sadness. I was looking for some kind of emotion to tell me how to apologize or act but all I could find was kindness.

"I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry I destroyed you and your sisters life, the drugs, the recklessness. If I could do it again I would do it completely differently. I would be your friend and take care of you. I wish I had never taken those pain killers in the first place. They did nothing but destroy me and I destroyed you. I'm sorry please, I wish I didn't drive high and and-and....."

I began to sob so hard. I was tired of all of this.

She grabbed me and held me close to her. She massaged my scab and I cried into the person whose life I had destroyed.

"shh, its fine I forgive you. There is nothing to be upset about."

I let her sweet voice flow into my ears and I tried to process what she had just said. I tried to calm myself down so I could at least have coherent conversation with her without breaking down and crying.

"But, but how can you not be mad at me? If I was you I'd be shit pissed. In fact I encourage you to be made at me. Slap me!" I closed my eyes and lean my cheek towards her face so that she could hit me. I wanted her to hit, I welcomed it. I deserved it. If it made her feel better that was even better.

I opened my eyes to see that she hadn't hit me at all, in fact she looked like she was about to laugh. This girl utterly confused me. I killed her and then I went home and killed myself. In fact I'm not sure whether I am or if I'm alive.

"Where are we?"

Violet got up and twirled around in her summer dress then ran over to the window and yanked away the curtains revealing a beautiful day.

"We're somewhere beautiful."

I was pretty sure we were in my house which was not a pretty place and this was forks it didn't get this sunny. I was clearly dead. I shivered at that thought, because death meant what now. Death meant forever, I use to know what forever meant but now I didn't know what that entailed. I use to want forever but now I had wanted nothing but to end.

But I had managed to rip my soul in half, destroy my body and everyone around me but I still continued to existed.

"I forgive you. I don't want to hurt you. I understood you were in pain. Its fine. Everything happens for a reason anyway right?"

I walked up to the window to admire the view. I nodded silently, I just wanted her to be happy, and if her forgiving me was what she wanted that what she will have. Even if I didn't think I deserved her forgiveness. In fact I planned on having a giant tantrum later about how horrible I was to her and then having a pity party.

"Don't destroy yourself over my death. Please move on for me?"

She grabbed my hands and laced my fingers in with hers. She led me out of the house and into the front yard. There was a blanket already there for us to sit on. I would have questioned why it was already there but it felt like I was in the twilight zone. If I wanted to question one thing I'd have to question everything including the fact if I was still alive or was I really dead. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I could be dead or whatever.

"Am I dead?"

She looked at my face and said, "Not yet, no you still a little time left."

Wait I don't understand? I was alive but I was talking to dead person.

"Are you alive too?"

She laughed dryly and replied "No."

My insides turned to pudding hearing her conform that she was dead.

I tried to formulate a sentence "then why..." but she cut me off.

"I was dying before you hit me."

"We all will eventually die and everyday brings us closers to that day but I took away decades of your life." I remember telling Edward that. I shivered at that thought.

"No I had one month."

There was a visible silence between us. I didn't know what to say or how to process this information. I hope that once I was dead then it would be a lot easier then it was now.

"Do you know why my mommy left me and Kathy?"

I shook my head. I had only asked once and Kathy ended up soccer punching me telling me she didn't want to talk about it. I was too stoned at the time to get angry at her or care.

"I was diagnosed with AcuteLymphoblastic Leukaemia just one month before I met you. I developed these painful lumps under my arms and my mommy took me to the doctor. They tested me and found out that I had Leukaemia. I was going to start treatment but..."

She gazed off into the sky. I looked at her and I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I had known this girl for two months and I never once asked her about her day or why she always looked sick.

"My mom decided that she couldn't handle it. She would rather spend the money on her drugs then on me living longer. So she packed her bags and left in the middle of the night. I'm surprised Kathy didn't go with her. My mom told her to come with her. But she refused; she wanted to stay with me. I guess that's why I could never get angry at her. She stayed with me when my own mother didn't want me stay with me."

I reach over and hugged her. I didn't let her go. I rocked us back and forth.

"Kathy was going to get a job and try to find the money to pay for the treatment. But I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She took the money and spent it on drugs. At first I was angry but then I realized that at least she was with me. That's all I could ask for. She loved me and that's all I needed."

I wanted to cry but I refused to pity her so I just stayed there with her.

"I guess that's why I'm not mad at you. You loved me, and that all I ever wanted."

"But"

"No buts" she turned to face me. She grabbed my face and pulled it close to hers. "You don't have much time left. You have to listen to me. I love you and I want you to be happy. Learn to forgive and love again. I want you to live for me and fight for your life."

I didn't think I had it in me to live again. I didn't have the strength to fight anymore. I wanted to sleep and dream.

"Please for me? You don't know how strong you are Isabella. You're so full of life."

I didn't respond and I saw Violet's facial expressions change from kindness to anger. She jumped up and began to scream.

"You don't get it do you? I was dying when I was killed I had a month. You, you had years. You threw it away. You threw it away like it was worth nothing. Do you know how many people would kill for ten years, even 5 minutes? Living is priceless and you throw it away. How selfish are you?"

I winced at every word, every syllable she uttered. I knew I was selfish and horrible but it hurt for her to say to me. She was so nice and innocent she shouldn't waste her time with me. I was hopeless.

"I don't have reason to live. He left me 4 months ago."

She glared at me and continued her rant.

"No he wasn't your reason to live. You stopped wanting to living because you lost yourself."

"But I lost myself when he Left."

She finally began to calm down and went back to sitting down with me.

"No you didn't. He didn't steal you. It just went into hiding. Stop blaming him for leaving you when you should be looking for a reason to live again instead of clinging on to him."

I started crying. "But I don't want to lose him."

"Sweet heart he will always be with you in your heart. Do you think he'd want you wasting away?"

"No."

"Would he want you to destroy yourself over him?"

"No"

"Doesn't he want you to be happy and live your life?"

"Yes."

"Then there's you answer. If you can't find the strength to live again realize that that's what he would have wanted you to do."

I soaked in what she had just said. I finally realised that I need to live again. If I couldn't do it for myself I'd do it for him. I realized that I had to thank violet for my life and that she was the child that I would always want but never have.

"I love you."

She giggled at me, "I know."

She got up and tugged me up with her. She started walking towards the front gate. We got to the gate and she hugged me one more time. She whispered in my ear one last time "Open your eyes Isabella."

_You don't deserve to be lonely__  
__But those drugs you got won't make you feel better__  
__Pretty soon you'll find it's the only__  
__Little part of your life you're keeping together_

_****************************_

"_Isabella Please open your eyes"_

"_Open your eyes Isabella"_

I opened my eyes and my eyes were bathed in nothing but gold.

**A/N: please review! They make me happy!**


	14. Chapter 12: Hospital

Chapter 14

Hospital

**A/N: Oh jeez I looked at my writing at the beginning then the writing at the end and I realize some chapters are okay and some really suckkkk. So sorry, I plan on rewriting them. Thank you for reading my really umm bad writing.**

**Sorry for the late update.**

**Enjoy?**

"Open your eyes Isabella please."

I opened them and I saw him.

His face was merely an inch away from my face. I gasp and tried to close my eyes and tell myself that I was that this was a dream. I didn't want to give myself hope that he was here with me. That could just cause more pain. I didn't need more pain; I think more pain would just kill me. I wouldn't need to slit my wrist to die I'd just need him to reject me again to kill me.

I refused to open up m_y eyes I just wanted to go back and live with Violet. My house looked so friendly with her in it. _I could learn to treat her better and I felt no pain with her. I wish I was still with her.

But I opened up my eyes and I saw his face and I felt myself melt. I wanted to reach out and touch him but I didn't. I was scared that he'd disappear. I tried to stay as still as possible. I didn't want to break this moment yet all I wanted to do was cry and scream at him. I wanted to hate him. But I also wanted to love him. I felt like I was going to combust with emotions.

I don't know how long we kept staring at each other but he finally broke the silence.

"What were you thinking!?" I didn't see the transition between emotionless Edward and angry Edward but I still didn't reacted when his voice exploded in my ears. I didn't flinch when he sprang out of his seat next to me to rant fully at me. All he was doing was giving me a headache. "I get a call from Alice saying you're in the hospital. That you almost died. If we had found you a minute later you would have been dead. Dead, did you hear me Isabella DEAD. How could you do this to Charlie, and-and ME. I told you to be safe, to live on with your happy human life. But what do you do? How did this happen to you? You look like you have…."

I stopped processing everything he said. He kept screaming and I didn't understand a word he was saying. It was like everything he was saying or doing was happening in slow motion. My head felt like it was in a cloud. I couldn't move or feel anything, I just watched him talk. . I felt like my heart beat was slowing down and everything was slowing freezing.

"….Like you haven't eaten in day, and I hope you know you broke Esme's heart when she saw you like that, even Rose feels bad! How could you do this? I told you to be safe, what happened to you?" I couldn't take this lecture anymore. I had to make him stop. I tried to mentally reach out for something to make me move or speak, to make him stop talking down on me. I just had too.

I finally looked at my hand, the hand that had held Violet's hand. I saw the light that hand had had and now it was gone. I finally crunched my hand into a fist and my ice exterior finally melted away. I finally felt my heart pumping to fast and a rush of blood went to my head. I felt the events of what just had j happened the last week come slamming into my mind again. But this time I felt each blow and each insult.

I had been in a fog when I called Kathy's boyfriend about the baby. I was still in that fog when he screamed at me and accused me of drugging his pregnant girlfriend. That fog began to wear off when I was lying on the cold wet cement. I took pills to blind myself and create a sea of denial. I hit Violet and I didn't even hear her death or see it. I went home and locked myself in the bathroom and finally felt something and nothing all at the same time. I felt numbness as I tried to end my existence.

None of those emotions I had felt at the event had justified how I should have felt. I was making up for it right now. I was sober and thinking clearly. I had to revisit each event and feel the impact of them on my soul twice as hard as the first time.

I tried to block these memories out and forget about them but I couldn't. The voices, flickers of colors, and emotions of these memoires would seep though my carefully built blockade. They would leak into my mind and cause my soul to ripe into tinier pieces. I felt my sanity slowly slipping away.

I wish I could say I was sorry and feel closure. I want to make up for mess I've made but that would mean acknowledging the events that occurred and accepting that they actually happened. I couldn't do that yet.

I couldn't do that in front of Edward. I couldn't let him see the mess I had made. If he hadn't wanted me before he surely wouldn't want me now. I had to hold it together in front of him.

"Well do you have anything to say for yourself?"

I finally looked away from my empty hand and saw that he looked calmer now. He was sitting next to me. He looked hesitantly at my hand as if he wanted to hold it but I ignored that feeling. My mind was such a mess of garage that anything that I thought was probably untrue or never happened.

I still didn't have anything to say to him, I was trying so hard not to cry and beg for forgiven. I was trying to beat away at the nightmares that threatened to explode. I knew if I looked at him, the carefully constructed denial I had held on to for so long would turn to dust. I would then vomit up the horrible deeds I had done and wouldn't be able to clean up the mess.

I felt his finger tips gently grab my chin and pull my face up to look at his. I tried to stare at the ceiling so that my eyes wouldn't meet his but he finally captured my eyes with his. I felt my brown eyes look into his equally dark eyes. I gasped at the feeling this caused me. it made me want to cry. Because when I looked into his eyes all I saw was innocence. I saw a boy who hadn't hit someone with a car or done drugs. Someone that didn't infect everyone that came near him; someone that was tried to be a good person, someone who constantly battled with his own instincts and won each day. He took bad and made it good. He was the opposite of me.

I was weak and evil. I couldn't control temptation or urges. I was impulsive and didn't care who I hurt as long as I got my drugs. I didn't deserve him and I shouldn't have him.

I couldn't look at him anymore. I panicked. I couldn't be near him. The room was too small and he was to kind. I need to get away, be by myself. I needed darkness, numbness. I was tired of feeling.

I pulled my face out of his grip. I quickly tried to reach for something to grab for so that I could pull myself out of bed. I couldn't find anything. I finally rolled out of bed and felt the IV yanking on my skin. I pulled it out of my vein. I winced at the pain and got to my feet. I looked at Edward because it might be the last time I saw him.

He looked stunned and like he was about to get up but didn't. His face was a perfect picture of winter, Bitter cold, yet beautiful. His thoughts seemed too preoccupied so I ran off. I needed to get away from him. I couldn't be near perfection when my soul was threatening to spill over.

I ran out of the room trying to find a place to be alone and finally break down but the hallway was filled with people left and right.

I felt claustrophobic.

There were too many faces, too much sound. I need silence. I felt my head spinning as I trying to find a quiet place to hide at.

There wasn't enough air in this hall way.

I needed air fast, or I was going to faint.

I finally felt my hand reach for a doorknob and open a door blindly letting myself into a random room. I slammed the door.

I slide down against the door trying to refill my lungs with air.

I finally felt alone and I wanted to enjoy the feeling but I couldn't.

I felt the tears slip down my face as I remembered the last month, I tried to ignore them but couldn't.

I felt the images in my mind paint a water color of the destruction I had created.

I tried to distract myself by staring at my hands but they were trembling.

I tried to get them to stop but they wouldn't. I just watch the fall shake.

I tried to calm myself down but couldn't.

This made me so angry I had no control over anything or myself.

Why couldn't my damn hands stay still two seconds.

I kept trying to pull myself together all this time and I failed every time. I failed at getting over Edward over ever having any control of my life.

I was supposed to be a mature independent creature yet I constantly needed help and knew it.

I needed help.

I needed to find myself.

But I didn't know how to and part of my secretly didn't want to either……….

A/N: hit or miss??????????

**I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to update. But I'm having some major issues and writers block just in general. I feel pretty fucking bad.**

**So I will try my best to wish up this story as fast as I can. But I'm having writers blocker.**

**Bella and Edward will nuc it out next chapter.**

**Don't worry this is the calm before the storm?**

**Edward's POV will come when my writer's block stops being soo fucking horrible.**


	15. Chapter 13: the truth about heaven

Chapter 12

The True about Heaven

_I came out here to tell you, it rains in heaven all day long._

_I wanna find you so bad, to let you know how miserable up here without you._

_-Armor for Sleep_

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

I leaned against the door just trying to breathe. I looked over my body and I saw all the damage I had done.

I winced. There were a lot of scars left visible on my skin.

I tried to relax and just concentrate on breathing but I felt my back vibrate as someone pounded on the door.

I didn't respond to the knocking. I just wanted it to go away. I wanted everything to go away.

"Bella…. Bella please come out the supply closet. People need to come in and get supplies. We need to talk about this……"

There was a dark silence between us. It hung over our heads like a knife ready to kill. Any wrongly spoken word would cause this knife to fall and crash down on this carefully constructed atmosphere me and Edward had surrounding ourselves with.

I refused to break the silence.

"Please Bella, just come out. Can we please talk about this like adults? I think that, I just need to know why you did this. I just wanted you to be happy."

Happy? He just wanted me to be happy? He wants me to be happy? Didn't he understand that he uses to make me happy, that he was my happiness?

I wanted to scream this to him but when I thought about this I realized I didn't really know what made my happy anymore; so I didn't say anything.

I didn't have to say anything or do anything.

I was really tired of people telling me how to feel or act. I don't need to please anyone, especially him. If I wanted to do something I'm was going to do to it regardless of who disapproves. I couldn't let his judgment faze me. If he could leave and not care so could I.

There was a silence. Silence was our only company. When there was nothing there, there was always silence. It was always there to swallow us whole. It crept around the shadows and spread slowly, seeping into our souls until no words could come out and everything would turn black.

"I break down this door if you don't come out and speak to me."

He wouldn't dare break down the door would he? He couldn't break this door down in front of everyone. That would be irrational and irresponsible. I knew Edward. And one of the things that Edward wasn't was irrational or irresponsible. He was always calm collected and in control. Being irrational was just not in his nature. He wouldn't break the door down.

I just laid there waiting. I don't know what I was waiting for, but I just continued to wait for it. I was just hoping that I would know what it was when it happened.

Minutes soon turned into hours which felt like days, but I continued to just sit there in the supply closet just hoping for this all to go away. I just wanted to… I didn't know what I wanted anymore. All I know was this wasn't what I wanted.

But I continued to just wait and hope for something to change, anything.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I felt something give in as the door I was leaning on was gone. I almost fell backwards as I felt someone's wrap themselves against my torso and lift me up. I was thrown onto Edward's shoulders and felt us start to move. I looked up and I saw the door propped against the wall as Edward took me back to my room.

When we arrived at my room he put me gently back on my bed. But when he slammed the door of my room too roughly this was when I realized that he was angry at me.

He turned to face me. His eyes were dark with furry and something else. His carefully control demeanor was betrayed by his eyes that pieced through me. I wanted to shrink away from him or hide under the covers, but that wouldn't really do me any good. So I just patiently sat there waiting for Edward to scream and disown me even more.

He began pacing the floor in front of my bed. His feet pounded against the ground as I waited for his harsh words to piece me like knives.

"You promised you would be safe." He broke away from his pacing and leaned into my person bubble so that it would be impossible to avoid eye contact. "You promised. You broke that promise. How could you? After all I've done to keep you safe, you throw it away like it meant nothing."

I tried to process everything he was throwing at me, but I couldn't. I wish I could have just said I was sorry and let him leave, but I couldn't. He had no idea what he had put my through. He had no idea of the agony that had terrorized me when he left.

And he expected me to value the promise I made him when he broke all his promises. He promised to love me forever and stay with me. He promised me and then he broke them. I owed him nothing. I felt my rage boiling over. He was the one to throw me away like yesterday's news; he shouldn't care if I didn't take care of myself.

I felt my mouth open and speak before I could shut it, "That's funny, I thought all promises were suppose to be broken since that's what you did. You broke every single promise, I owe you nothing. It's none of your business what I do with my time and if I'm safe."

He cringed at my words like it was venom. I felt remorse for having caused him pain, but I tried not to. He was the one who shattered me. I was just a broke dog lashing out at everything.

"I deserve that."

I was momentarily shocked. I hadn't expected him to say that. I thought he would tell me how stupid I was then leave again.

"I deserve every harsh word you throw at me, but why Isabella? Why would you try to kill yourself? Why would you do that? I just don't understand why you would throw away your life like that?"

I felt the pain I had held in for so many mouth come spilling out. At this point I was so blinded by fury that I didn't recognize that this was the boy I would love until the day I died. I didn't see him as that, right now all I saw was the person that had broke me to into bit sized pieces and then fed me to the wolves. This was the boy that told me that I meant nothing to him.

"Let's see, now why would I want to kill myself? Oh I don't know; someone I knew four months ago basically called me trash and left me to die. See when people you love leave you. That tends to put a damper on your will to live. But you wouldn't understand something like that since you've never been in love."

I felt my heart break as I realized that he really had never been in love with me. That was the first time I had admitted it out loud. But I had to let him go. I had to realize I would never ever have him as my own, no matter how much I wanted him. He wasn't mine to keep.

"You tired to kill yourself because I left you?"

He said this so quietly that I wasn't sure if he had wanted me to hear him.

"You tired to kill yourself because I left you. You were supposed to stay safe. You were supposed to have a nice happy human life. I wanted you to be happy. I let you go to be happy, not to destroy you. I would never have left if I had known this would have happened. "

I felt his words soak into me. All I register was pity and I finally realized through all my rage that I was destroying Edward. Edward always blamed himself and takes everyone's burden. And this case it would be no different than before. He would take my burden and it would destroy him. I was worse than Katharine.

I had to let him go. I couldn't make him stay he because he naturally wanted to protect me and I wasn't strong enough to realize it wasn't meant to be. I didn't want him to pity me. I didn't need him to pity me. I would die without him but I couldn't force him to be here. All I could do was destroy and I refused to destroy something so beautiful and perfect.

I had to let him go; even though a part of me, an evil part of me, wanted to cause him the pain that he had forced upon me. But I had to let that part go. If I wanted to grow and find myself again, I'd have to let him go. I couldn't rely on other people or drugs to make me better. I'd have to do that myself. So I had to let go of this rage that consumed me.

I had to let him go.

"No, Edward it's my fault. I made bad decisions and it had nothing to do with you. It was my fault. Please don't feel guilty about my mistake. This is my mess to deal with."

He seemed to have not heard my words.

"Bella, I am so sorry that I caused you this pain. I will forever be regretful of the things I have put you through. I would do anything to take away what I have done to you. I can't believe I was so stupid as to leave you alone and not think there would be any consequences to my actions. I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to have the life you could never have had with me."

I stopped him before he could continue. "No, Edward you can't take the blame for this. You can't take the blame that I would react so badly to you leaving me. This is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. It's too late to change the past. It's done. I'm alive and I thank you for that. You can leave now."

I felt my heart drop to my feet. I don't think I could survive if he left me again. But I couldn't think about that. I had to set him free. I couldn't rely on him anymore. I would have to find another way to live. I had to heal on my own.

"You think that this is your fault? No this is my fault. I caused this to happen. If only I hadn't lied. I might have prevented this from happening. I can't do anything right. I'm so sorry Bella. I'm deeply sorry."

"STOP SAYING YOUR SORRY" I screamed as I heard him say sorry for the millionth time. I couldn't continue to let him just stand here apologizing for something out of his control. It almost made me think that he cared for me. But he didn't. I could allow myself to be fooled by his guilt ridden apologies.

I had to stay strong. I could fall apart after he left. After he leaves, what would happen? I couldn't let myself think about that. I had to just focus on controlling myself until he left.

"You don't understand do you? This is my fault. I could have prevented this. I could have just stayed with you and not have lied. If I hadn't lied, you would be fine and happy."

Wait what? He lied? What did he lie about? He kept saying that he had lied to me.

Wait was he suggesting that he should have stayed with me just to keep me sane? I would never force him to stay with me. I wouldn't do it. I would sacrifice my sanity for him to be happy. I can't believe he pitied me to the point that he wished that he could have just stayed with me to prevent this mess from happening. I bet he wished that he'd never met me.

I felt the blood push through to my brain, trying to get me to think clearly but I couldn't. My head hurt and all I wanted was to feel numb.

"No Edward, I would never force you to be with me."

"Force me? How would you force me?"

His eyes flickered anger as he looked deep into my eyes for an answer.

I felt the heat of a blush coming on from being so close to him. I hadn't blushed in nearly 4 months. The sensation was odd and uncomfortable.

"I don't want you to be with me because you feel guilty. Stop worrying about me." I felt my heart break as I told him to basically move on and forget about me. How many times could your heart fall to pieces before it just disappeared into the wind? But I wanted him to be happy.

"No you don't understand!" I instantly melted away from him as his voice became loud and harsh. "I lied to you! I shouldn't have left you. How could I have left you?" His Voice became so soft that could have been compared to an infant whimpering. It hurt me to see him so vulnerable.

What was he lying about?

I was scared to ask, I was frightened to know the truth. If the lie had hurt me then I was terrified to know what the truth would do to me.

"You don't understand do you? I lied to protect me."

He lied to protect me? I don't understand. I stared at him dumbfound.

He shook his head at me laughing. It wasn't a happy laugh. It sounded like death.

"I lied to you. I told you I didn't want you to protect you." He what? "I told you I didn't love you in hopes that you would move on to have a happy human life. Don't you see? If you stayed with me you would never have children or ever be safe? I was willing to sacrifice my happiness so that you could keep your humanity. Your humanity is so important Bella; I just wanted to preserve it."

I felt my heart fall out of my chest. He had lied to me? He had left me while still loving me? I didn't dare have hope that he could even remotely have the same level of affection I had for him.

"So, you love me?"

My voice quivered as I asked him the question that could make or break me.

He didn't look at me but he nodded weakly at me. He was looking at his hands. They were shaking. They shook like mine had.

I wanted to reach out and help him steady them, but I stopped myself. He had lied to me.

He had lied to me.

He tried to protect me.

He lied to me.

He broke me.

He caused me unnecessary agony just to save me from my_ humanity_?

Is that all he cared about? That as long as my humanity was intact I could be driven insane by heart break?

The bitterness consumed me. He lied to me. My broken heart was a lie. All the pain I had gone through was a lie. Everything that had happened to me was a lie. It was a lie.

The grief that had engulfed me for months felt stale. It was the bitter aftertaste of having swallowed something cotton like.

All the torment I had gone through could have been avoided if he had just been honest with me. It would have been different if he had just left because his feelings had changed. That was just life, but to leave me was like he was purposely trying to hurt me. It was like he disregarded any of my requests and my right to have a choice in the matters of our relationship. It was like he had had a vendetta for my heart. But I knew it was stupid to think this but I couldn't help feeling resentment towards him. I couldn't help but feel that I wanted to cause him the pain that had terrorized me for months, just to teach him a lesson.

I tried to ignore that feeling and find some sort of way to just rejoice that he loved me but seeing that he had loved me and still had run off, left me with little comfort to this fact. He could leave again. I couldn't trust his love.

But no, I had to realize that he loved me, and that was the only foundation we had left to build on, so I grabbed his hand and held them tightly.

He looked at me with hope glimmering in his eyes. But I refused to meet his hope with my own fantasies.

"This is far from over. But for now, will you just hold me." I felt his hands leave mine to wrap themselves around my body. I leaned into him and allowed his scent to mesmerize me and temporally allow me to forget all the pain that constantly ached in my heart.

I allowed myself five minutes of me just being Bella and him being Edward; then we would go back to the real world.

**A/N: hit or miss? I'm terrified that you guys will hate this chapter, since a fair amount of you want Bella to ripe Edward a new one. And….do we really need a chapter in Edward's POV??? **

**I also apologize for all the mistakes, I tried to get this chapter out as fast as possible, So I only looked at it a few times. I'm super tired…**

**Review please. **


	16. Chapter 14: Coming Undone

**Chapter 14**

**Coming undone**

**A/N: hmm I wonder… slightly nervous as to how you'll react to this chapter O.o**

**Bella swears a lot when she is in pain. Understandable right?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, just the bitch Katherine and our lovely Violet. **

I thought back to the times I had spent with him in our meadow. I thought of the light that had been in his eyes and the innocence that had been wrapped around me.

But that was the past and this was the present. We couldn't go back to the past. All we had was this moment. The past wasn't ours to keep, but we could own the moment.

I tried to find comfort in his eyes. I struggled to just focus on him but I couldn't. After five minutes of just being near him I began to feel uncomfortable. My skin began to crawl. I felt this itch that came from beneath my skin. I wanted to ignore it but I couldn't.

I reached out to scratch it but nothing changed. It just kept itching. Why wouldn't it stop? I focused all my attention on my arms. They hurt so much. And now that I thought about it, my head was pounding. My body ached. I really shouldn't have slammed myself against the bathtub. I was lucky I didn't suffer brain damage.

"What's wrong love?"

I ignored his comment and continued to try to keep my eyes from popping out of my sockets.

"Bella, I'm worried. What's wrong?"

Couldn't he just be quiet for one second? Did he always have to be in my business? His voice was madding my head pound faster.

"Bella..."

"Shut up."

He cringed at my words.

I didn't care. I was too concerned with my aching head.

"Maybe you should get some rest; you've been up for a long time."

Sleep? I couldn't sleep. But I should.

"Yeah, sleep would be a good idea."

I crawled under the sheets in hope that this headache would disappear when my head hit the pillow. I felt something move beside me. I turned to see Edwards face near me.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"I'm watching you sleep, love. I want to make sure you sleep soundly, you've been through a lot."

I narrowed my eyes at him, so he thought all was forgiven? I wanted to snap at him but I tried to refrain from spiting venom. I had to be mature about this. I was the one to ask to be held, but it was just to reinsure his love for me, not to prove that everything was okay. I was still broken, and things could not go back to the way they were. They had to change.

"Edward, I'm not ready for this."

His eyes became mirrors of pain. I wanted to just tell him to stay but I didn't. He got up to leave.

"I deserve this."

"Yes you do." I couldn't prevent the words from falling out of my mouth. I couldn't let him think that just because he loved me, that that would cure everything that had happened to me.

He slowly paced towards the door. "I will never leave you again."

I didn't dare breathe until I heard the click of the door behind him. I didn't want to believe him. He had broken promises before. What would make me believe this one?

My head continue to pulse at the pressure it was undergoing. I tried to ignore it and go to bed. I figure I just needed a good night of sleep.

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I tossed and turned the whole night.

I tried sleeping on my side and then on my back, but nothing worked.

I was ready to ask for sleeping pills. But I continued to try to focus on the tranquilly that sleep would bring me. My dreams were the only place where it would be safe to be with Edward. But for some reason my mind refused to go there. Maybe it was a sign that it wasn't meant to be? Or maybe I had sinned so much that I wasn't allowed the pleasure of sleep.

But I disregarded that thought and any other thoughts that would bring the imagines of them to my mind. My body shivered as I thought about my old family, Kathy and Violet.

I felt my whole frame shake as I remember things that weren't suppose to be anything but a nightmare. I tried to shut those thoughts down but they soon flowed freely through my mind. I tried to just stay numb and not notice the images that flickered through my thoughts.

But I couldn't.

I did this.

I deserve to die.

I grabbed the closest thing next to me and began to ripe it to shreds. It was my sheets. I felt a slight relief as the fabric made sounds that resembled a scream. I threw it aside.

I couldn't sleep. I was left alone to be haunted.

I saw the heart monitor; the monitor that kept track of your beating heart. It would alert people to my impending doom. I didn't want anyone to see my death. I thrust the monitor into the wall. I jumped out of my bed. The blood rushed to my legs and I felt my head scream for blood. I needed my head to stop hurting. It needed it to just stop feeling anything.

I felt this rage for no reason, like it was somehow his fault that my head hurt. But I tried to ignore that and let my rational side control everything. That side was growing smaller and smaller though.

But I had to control myself. I couldn't allow myself to act out while he was still here.

"You know, you'll never been good enough for him."

I spun around to see who had said that.

I twirled around until I saw her. She wore her usual smug grin. But she was still pregnant. How could that be?

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

I didn't have time for this. I needed to find a cure for this pain.

"Silly, silly Bella, when will you ever learn?"

I wanted to snarl at her but I stopped myself.

I dropped to my knees. I welcomed the cool sensation the floor brought me. It smoothed the skin on my legs and prevented the skin from shredding away.

"I don't have time for this. Get out, or should your boyfriend hit me again?"

"Not very nice."

I wonder if Carlisle will give me some pain killers. This was the mother of all headaches.

"You know, I thought you were smarter than that."

"How so?"

My patience was burnt to a crisp. I was ready to throw something at her. I didn't care if she was pregnant or not.

"That's not very nice, wanting to throw things at me."

"Wait, how did you know that?"

"Hmm…"

"TELL ME."

I didn't want to play these games. All I wanted to do was sleep and get rid of the pain in my skull. I didn't care how she knew what I was thinking. As far as I know, I was glad her baby was dead. She fucking deserved it. I hate her.

I remember all the shit she had done to me. I felt myself lung at her. I didn't care if the baby got hurt; she killed it with the drugs she took. That dumb bitch deserved to die.

I prepared to grab a fist full of her hair when I missed her and slammed into the wall. What the hell? I looked around for her and found her lying on my bed.

"Haha. See, you really are stupid."

I growled at that comment. I charged towards the bed, I made sure I wouldn't miss this time. But when I landed on the bed all I felt was the mattress.

She was now sitting in the chair in the corner.

"You don't learn do you? Now my dear stupid Bella, what did you learn in health class about drugs?"

I didn't understand where this was going.

"Drugs are bad."

"No you dumb shit, the affect of drugs."

"I don't understand."

I couldn't think. All I could focus on was the pounding of my head. It was like each beat echoed in the room.

"What happens when your body stops receiving the chemical that it craves so much? Please Bella, I thought you were smart. I guess you destroyed that too."

She laughed at my expense. She laughed at my pain.

But I began to process what she was saying.

"When you quiet cold turkey you go into withdrawal."

"And what symptoms do you expense when you stop taking meth? By the way, you're a pussy for taking them in pill form. A real drug addict would snort that shit, it goes straight to your brain."

I am NOT a drug addict. Being a drug addict would mean I'm addicted to drugs. I do them for fun, they don't control me.

"Sure keep telling yourself that, now answer the damn question."

I was getting sick and tired of her reading my mind. But I still answered her question.

"Symptoms of withdrawal include; insomnia, excessive sleeping, craving, depression, headaches, mental confusion, random acts of rage and violence and hallucinations."

Wait hallucinations? No it couldn't be, I wasn't suffering from withdrawal. Suffering from withdrawal would mean I was dependent on the chemical. And I wasn't an addict so I wasn't suffering from withdrawal.

I looked at Kathy and then back to what had just happened.

"Do you honestly think I'd want to talk to the person that killed my child?"

"I didn't kill your kid. You did the drugs."

"Yes you did. I wouldn't have thought so if you hadn't. If you really thought you hadn't killed my child then I wouldn't have thought so either."

"NO wait does that mean…" she disappeared right before my eyes.

What the fuck. Okay, what is going on? People don't just disappear and randomly read mind. I was getting nervous. My palms begin to sweat. It felt like my glands were leaking out blood. My legs began to jitter uncontrollably. I tried to stop it but my leg just continued to move without my command. My heart began to beat at the rhythm of my trembling leg. My head continued to sends waves of pain until I wanted to die.

I tried to focus on what I had told Kathy earlier. Was I really suffering from withdrawal?

I couldn't be but I couldn't focus. It was like looking through a blurry window .The agony made it almost impossible to focus on anything.

I was ready to do anything to stop the pain.

Maybe she really wasn't real. Maybe she was a just a hallucination. I can't believe this.

I had to gain some control over the situation.

A loud burst rattled throughout my mind. I winced as it caused more damage to my already sore head. I glanced up to find Edward looked at me frantically.

"Bella what's wrong?"

Oh my god, was he a hallucination too? Had this all been a dream?

I can't believe I actually believe he gave two shits about me. This was so weak of me. I deserved the pain for being so weak.

He came over to pick me up.

No I wanted him to go away. I wanted him to disappear. I felt an odd cold sensation when he touched me. This hallucination was pretty convincing but I would not be fooled again.

"Get the fuck away from me!!!"

He recoiled from my words.

"Bella please, you aren't well."

"No you listen to me; you aren't real so get the fuck out of here. I don't want you. Leave. You're just doing what I want you to do."

He seemed so concerned. I almost felt bad and gave into the illusions, but not bad enough.

"Bella, I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?"

"Are you kidding me? Leave. Leave like Kathy did."

His eyes darkened when I said Kathy's name. At least this Edward hated Kathy like I did.

"Bella..." he was talking "I'm not going to leave you like she did. I promise to stay with you forever"

"hah, don't make me laugh."

His lies did nothing to me. I hated that he lied to me. Even in my hallucinations he lied to me. I hate him.

I reached over and slapped him. He looked momentarily shocked at my actions. I began to feel a searing throbbing sensation in the hand that had slapped Edward. I looked at it. It was already forming a bruise. Well at least I imagined that it was forming a bruise.

"Bella! We need to get your hand fixed. He tried to pick me up but my instincts told me to fight him. I would not let my hallucination trick me.

I began to thrash my body against him. Even in my hallucinations I wouldn't let Edward control me. I tried to grab parts of him and tear him to shreds.

"Carlisle! We'll need to sedate her!"

I saw Carlisle come rushing in with big needle.

"Hell no…. not in even in my imagination I'd let you stick that thing in me."

I tried to get away from the humungous needle but I soon felt a prick then a soothing calming sensation. I felt my mind wavering into an endless pit of numbness. I tried to fight against it. But I finally felt myself fall asleep.

And I welcomed it, no matter what I would dream of or where I would find myself tomorrow.

**A/N: please review, they make me post sooner : ). Tell me your thoughts and concerns. oh and if you have an questions, feel free to voice them to me. **

**And all the symptoms that Bella was experiencing are real withdrawal symptoms. i didn't just make them up for plot points. i was actually very upset that her withdrawal symptoms would be so bad. so don't do drugs.**

**you guys are spoiled, two chapters in one week.**

** goal for next chapter: in the next 5-10 days**


	17. Chapter 15: Choices

Chapter 15

Choices

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I woke up to a bright light surrounding me. I wanted to shoot the sun.

I tried to get back to sleep but I was assaulted by Edward's voice, "Bella? Bella, love are you awake?"

I wanted to just pretend to still be asleep but I would have to deal with this sooner or later.

"What?"

"Now before you say anything, I want you to know that I'm really here. I'm not a dream."

He seemed to be full of concern. I studied his face and looked for details to give away that this was an illusion. I couldn't find any.

I wasn't convinced that he was truly here. But as I continued to look at him I realized that he was really here. I gasped. I can't believe I had slapped him. I looked at my hand, it was in a caste. He was really was here. I started to hyperventilate. It was like I was seeing him for the first time all over again.

"Bella, Bella are you okay?"

"yes-yes" I managed to breathe out an answer.

I can't believe he is actually here.

"Are you sure? You've slept for over 48 hours."

"Wait what? 48 hours?"I couldn't have slept that long, but then my voice echoed in my mind. _Hallucinations, excessive sleeping, insomnia, craving._

I can't believe it; maybe I really was suffering from withdrawal.

I was an addict.

I Isabella Marie Swan had become an addicted to meth. I can't believe I had allowed myself to lose so much control in such a short amount of time.

"Bella, are you okay?"

I needed Edward to shut up. I couldn't deal with him and this new found information.

"I need to be alone." I didn't bother looking at him. I knew what his face would look like. Everything was about him.

"But..."

"LEAVE."

"No Bella I'm not leaving, I promised you before I would never leave you and this instance will be no different. Now we need to talk about what could have caused you these hallucinations. Carlisle and I had discussed your heath and recent events and have concluded…. "Oh my god he knows, he knows I was in withdrawal. He doesn't want me now does he? No, Katharine was right; I will never be good enough for him. "That you suffer from acute stress disorder."

What? I looked at him questioningly.

"Acute stress disorder also called ASD occurs when a person suffers extreme physical trauma. In this case, for you it was your suicide attempt. You were greatly injured and that has caused your mind to develop a defense mechanism, almost like an anxiety disorder."

Did he seriously think I had developed ASD from trying to kill myself; those who suffer from ASD are rape victims and war veterans. You don't get ASD when you are the one doing the physical abuse. They really must have no idea why I freaked out. Part of me was relieved at the fact that they had never guessed drugs, but another part had secretly wished they had discovered my addiction and yell at me for my ignorance. I couldn't stand watching Edward look at me with love while I had this ugly side of myself hidden from him.

"Symptoms of ASD are: angry outburst; nightmares, being easily frightened and in rare cases having hallucinations."

I think my face betrayed my thoughts because Edward quickly rushed to my side and began to comfort me.

"It's okay Bella; it's going to be okay. We are going to take you to therapy and you are going to get all better. I promise this will never happen again. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe and happy. I love you so much. I was so scared to see you on the floor thrashing around like that. This is my entire fault, if I hadn't left you this would have never happened. I'm such an idiot."

He held me in his arms as he rocked us back and forth. I wanted to just melt into his arms but I couldn't, I still had to deal with my little problem. I had to get rid of my drugs and quit my bad habit.

I needed to get out of here. I couldn't stay here while Edward and possibly his whole family were here to detect every little thing I did. I needed to confront this problem on my own and I surely couldn't let them know about this. Any chance of there being any kind of hope for any type of relationship with Edward would be destroyed if he found out about my little problem.

No, it wasn't a problem. It was just something I had to deal with on my own. Many people quit bad habits just like that with no problems. I would be no different. I could beat this. This wasn't even on my list of things to worry about.

I would just prefer to deal with it on my own. I NEEDED to get out of here and throw my stash away and the Cullens wouldn't be any the wiser.

"Edward, I need to take a shower. I feel like I haven't showered in weeks."

"Oh, yes, of course. Let me get you a towel and I'll show you to the staff showers."

Edward quickly left the room but was back in seconds with a towel and some comfortable clothing for me to wear. He helped me get out of bed and lead me to the showers.

When I arrived I was thoroughly surprised. The showers like a swimming pool area. There were giant stalls and everything was covered in white. Staying in this room to long could make a person go crazy.

Edward awkward left me telling me he had to talk to Carlisle about therapy.

As soon he was out of sight I quickly replaced my hospital gown with the clothing I had been given. I had enough time to glance at the mirror. I winced, I looked horrible. I looked like the dead.

I stuffed my gown in the trash can and tried to ignore the voice in head telling me this was a bad idea. Maybe I couldn't resist throwing the drugs away. But I kept telling myself I could do this. It would be easy as cake.

I quickly left the showers in search for the closest exist. I ran down the hall and took the elevator. I impatiently tapped my feet as it stopped at each level, they could be looking for me at this point. The elevator reached the lobby and there were still no signs of the Cullens. They must have been really distracted.

I dashed out of the hospital, but now what? I had no car. How was I supposed to get out of here with no car?

I saw a bike leaning against the hospital wall. Just because the town was small didn't mean it was safe just to leave your possessions lying around.

I grabbed the bike and started peddling in the direction of Charlie's house.

"Hey that's my bike!"

I ignored the shouts and complaints. I just settled for cycling as fast as I could away from the hospital.

I felt my lungs burn as I peddled, but I ignored it. I was testing my body to show that I could resist things and have control over my actions. Mind over matter, that what Edward would have said, my insides ripped to shreds as I thought of him. I didn't know where we stood anymore. This could change everything.

I tried to ignore that fact and just get home faster.

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I finally reach the place I used to call home. I gazed at it trying to see if there was anything different about it. There wasn't. It's funny how so much destruction had happened in the house yet it still looked the same.

I grabbed the key under the matt and unlocked the door. I half expected to see Violet when I entered, but the house was dark with anxiety. There was no white light here to save me.

I rushed to my room. I quickly rummaged through my closet until I found the baggy I was looking for.

When I had come here, I had fully intended on throwing away the rest of it away just to prove to myself that I wasn't an addict. But now that it was here before my very eyes, I couldn't help but feel a foreign hunger in me that wanted to take this one drug just one more. Just to experience bliss for one more day, only one more time. If I only did it one more time then no one would be the wiser.

My hands itched with anticipation. The craving became almost intolerable.

_Maybe just one more time, for old time sakes._

No! I couldn't. I came here to throw away my drugs so that the Cullens would never find out, not to get high one last time.

I felt it call to me. It taunted me. I began to see black dots; I craved it to the point of death.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't get high. I wanted Edward and Edward would never date me if I did drugs; that wasn't in the Edward book of rules.

Drugs and Edward Cullen did not mix. I couldn't have both and I would always choose Edward when it came down to it. So I would get rid of the drugs and never look back.

_But Edward left, the drugs never left you. They were always there. They were always there to save you when he was gone. Where was HE when you needed saving?_

NO! I wanted to be with Edward. I can't do the drugs.

It did, I mean I did have a point though. The drugs never led me astray. They were a safe addiction. And well an addiction to Edward Cullen caused me to become severally depressed. I couldn't trust him, could I?

I could only trust you. I glanced at the bag in my hand. As long as I had my white pills I didn't need Edward. He could leave again, I couldn't trust him. I could trust the drugs.

I continued to gawk at the bag, my mind continued to battle with itself.

He did promise to stay.

_Yeah he made a lot of promises, did he keep them? _

No he didn't.

_I can't trust him._

But I had to hope. I needed Edward to breathe and these drugs would only be a substitute for so long. I needed to get clean to even have a chance to be with Edward.

I finally began to move my feet towards the kitchen. I couldn't flush it down the toilet; I didn't dare see the destruction I had created in there. I would wash temptation down the sink where it would never be able to temp me ever again.

Mind over matter, I didn't need these drugs. I needed Edward. Wait? Was Edward equally as bad as these drugs?

No he couldn't be could he?

I was addicted to him and that wasn't bad right?

_But what happened when you indulged in this addiction?_

You got hurt.

_You could get hurt again._

I could.

I was now in the kitchen. I shuffled toward the sink. I looked down the dark sliver sink that would carry my drugs away from me. It was either the drugs or Edward and I would always choose Edward. So I better get this over with.

I dangled the bag over the sink.

I silently said good bye to it.

I unzipped it slowly with shaky hands.

I felt desire pulling me toward the drug. The need was eating at me and making me forget about him. He couldn't satisfy me like the pills could. I didn't need him. All I needed was too bathed in this white powder. I didn't care about anything accept for….

No I needed to prove this to myself and Kathy, that I wasn't an addict.

I felt my body yearning for relief and I wouldn't feel relief until I had safely made sure that my drugs were safely with me. I couldn't just throw it away.

It felt like my mind had left my body. All I saw were these white pills. My body needed it. My mind needed it. I couldn't live without.

I felt myself scream to stop myself. But I couldn't, all I could do was watch as I gently placed the bag on the counter. I snatched a couple pills in my hand and inspected them.

I tried to stop myself. It was like I was shoved aside and some took over my body. I had no control. I gawked in horror when I threw back the pills. I wanted to rebel against myself.

I felt myself swallow.

The episode was over and I regained feeling and control over my body.

I didn't know what to do now.

I went to grab the bag and throw it away but I stopped myself.

I realized something.

I felt no regrets. It was almost a relief to be taking my pills.

This was sign.

I soon felt the effects of my addiction and this confirmed my suspicions.

I had made my choice.

I had finally found something I loved more than Edward Cullen.

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A/N:

And just too clear things up:

1. Bella did suffer from withdrawal and naturally Edward wouldn't think it was drugs, since in his eyes, Bella is very pure.

2. Bella would in fact try to deal with this by herself because she still doesn't trust that Edward will love her for her flaws too. She feels like she is walking on eggshells being with him. if your love just came back in your life, would you want to go 'surprise, guess what I developed a drug addiction'.

3. A relapses well it wasn't even a relapse since she never really quit for any period of time. But anyway, relapses are very common, even the best of us get sucked into an addiction that we have a hard time quitting. The craving is so powerful it takes over everything. Have you seen people try to just quit smoking? Now imagine someone trying to quit a meth addiction. Every day she will have a craving for it, I know someone who did meth and says everyday is a battle to stay clean and everyday he craves the high. And he had been clean for years.

4. Yes she freaking loves Edward, it's just the drug addiction has so much power over her and she is scared to trust him. But dude its totally time for Edward to man up or I'm calling Jasper. Oh I love jasper/Bella fics : ). If you read them, give me a rec.

5. And no, I will not write fluff for the ending, but I will write an ending which will hopefully satisfy everyone. I don't write fluffy nonsense.

6. there is one more chapter left plus and epilogue

Review my lovely readers. Purrtyy please!!!!!

If you review, I'll give you a sneak peek of the next chapter : )

If I get a lot of reviews, I'll update tomorrow!!!!

: )


	18. Chapter 16: Leave out all the rest

Chapter 16

Leave Out the rest

A/N: Sorry this chapter is really choppy, I didn't really want to create two chapters out of this.

Enjoy

Sorry if you are disappointed with it.

I'm super scared you guys won't like this chapter…. O.o…wahhhhh…

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I felt my pulse quicken and the headache I had been carrying around with me disappeared. I felt energized and alive. I was ready to face the world.

But of course there was this nagging feeling that this wrong and I should feel guilty.

But I couldn't find it in myself to care.

I bounced over to the couch. I haven't watched TV in forever, I wonder what's on.

All the pain in my body was gone. This was clearly the magically drug.

I didn't need Edward, I just needed this drug.

But my heart dropped a few inches as his name ran through my thoughts.

But I shook my head as I grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels.

I settled from some cartoons, I never really understood the appeal of SpongeBob until now. I watched Patrick and SpongeBob go jellyfish. They were clearly the gayest couple I'd ever seen in my entire life.

"HAHA"

I found myself laughing out loud.

I didn't even know why I was laughing but I couldn't stop myself. Pretty soon the laughing turned to crying and I felt myself thinking about Edward and not the adventures of SpongeBob Squarepants.

I had made a horrible mistake, how could I just let myself give into temptation. But I felt the drug crushing that feeling.

It was like I was fighting against the drug and the drug was winning.

I had never felt so helpless in my entire life.

I didn't know what to do.

I continued to try to make sense of what was going on inside my head when I heard a door creak.

OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?

Is Satan after me?

Oh my god, oh my god, what to do, what to do.

I felt my heart pounding in my chest. That's all I could hear. I felt the adrenaline pulse through my veins.

"Bella!"

My heart skipped a beat. He was here.

His face came looming into my vision.

"Bella! What have you done???"

I couldn't say any. I just stared at him.

Can he tell I'm high?

_Shut up._

Stop it!! I can't take the pressure. I'm just going to say I'm sorry.

_Stay silent, he doesn't know anything._

I'm scared.

_Shut up and pay attention._

I glanced over at Edward; he was waving his arms and yelling about something.

_Do something; he's going to be suspicious. _

Right, I have to do something.

I stumbled on to my feet and threw myself against Edward. "Why are you so upset darling?"

What that the right thing to say??

"Why-why am I so upset, how can you ask that??? You're doing drugs."

Shit, the cats out the bag!!!

_Deny it. _

What?

_Shut up and let me talk, "What are you talking about Edward. I don't do drugs."_

Hey you lied!!

"Bella don't Give me that, I know that you're high. And to say I'm disappointed is putting it lightly, why? Why would you abuse drugs? I know you were upset but I thought you were above drugs! I mean you could have over-dose or been taken advantage of. Drugs are never the answer for anything."

I feel guilty…

_Don't, blame him. _

I can't blame him for going down a bad path, can I?

_Yes, yes you can._

"Bella. Please.-Love, tell why?"

I want to cry.

"_Because you left me, you destroyed me and left me ALONE to pick up the pieces. So sorry if I'm not the perfect pure girl you use to know. That girl is dead."_

He looked like he was going to cry.

I vaguely remember being lifted up. I felt the wind thrash through my hair.

I felt a bed underneath my skin. I saw Carlisle's face as he inspected my completely destroyed body.

I counted the seconds until my heart began to beat at a healthier rate. My vision began to come into focus. I felt my body stop itching. The cotton in my head was disappearing.

I began to feel normal again.

The world had finally stopped spinning around me.

I could focus on my surroundings now and I saw Edward looking down at me with worry in his eye.

"Carlisle her eyes aren't dilated anymore."

He wasn't speaking to me.

Carlisle came in and began to gently examine me.

I kept staring at Edward as Carlisle checked my blood pressure and my reflexes.

After he had finished his examination, he left.

As a habit I tucked myself into a little ball, trying to protect my heart.

I waited for him to disown me.

I watched him pitch the bridge of this nose like he had a bad headache. He sat at the edge of his couch trying to decide the best way to break up with me. The best way to leave me….

I was feeling nervous. I could feel the edges of my body already craving the drug. I couldn't stand the silence crackling around me. It was lashing out at me, telling me it was my entire fault.

And I knew this was my entire fault. I could never just be normal could I? I had to mess everything up. How I wish I could have just dealt with heart-break in the normal teenage way instead of just destroying me life. But it was too late for that. I couldn't take back the past, no matter how much I wish I could.

I couldn't stand this silence. I didn't care if he told me he hated me, I just couldn't stand the impending doom that loomed upon me.

"Just break up with me already, its fine. I expect it."

He didn't even seem to hear me, he just continued to sit there as still as a statue.

Should I just leave? I felt my heart cry out at the thought of never seeing him again. I would die without him. But it was over, I had made my choice and I could do nothing to take it back.

I got up to leave. I walked over to the door. I glanced over at Edward and tears came to my eyes. I loved him so much that it hurt, but I didn't deserve him.

I grabbed the door knob to leave but before I left I just had to be near him one more time. I ran over to his still figure and threw my arms around him. He didn't move when I did this. I breathed him and felt my tears stain his shirt. I'd treasure this movement for as long as I lived.

I gradually let my arms unwrap themselves from him. I lifted myself off the couch. Before I could leave his side, I felt his arms slide themselves around me. He dragged me onto his lap.

"I told you I'd never leave you; that would include never letting you leave." He breathed this into my ear and I felt a long forgotten emotion bubble over in me.

It was hope.

I don't know how long we held each other for but I saw the sun begin to rise.

I felt Edward shift underneath me. "You should really sleep."

I shook my head and dug myself deeper into him.

"Bella… you've been up for over 16 hours, you need to sleep. Plus your body is badly hurt, so you need to sleep in order to heal."

I admired how much he seemed to be concerned. I was tempted to lie to him. But I decided that if he could still want me, then I would try to be as honest as possible. Being honest with each other was the only way to save our relationship, no matter how painful the truth was.

"Edward….." I could do this. I needed to tell him the truth, I owed him it. "I can't sleep, I just did meth. I'm not going to be sleeping anytime soon; it's not uncommon for me to go days without sleep. 16 hours is nothing."

He stiffened at the word meth. He lifted me off his lap and on to his couch. I instantly missed the contact. I felt myself long to be near him again. I felt my heart sadden at the distance.

He grabbed my hand and clapped it in between his. "I wanted to look at your eyes as we talk, I miss them." He smiled my favorite crooked smile, but I could still see the pain in his eyes.

I nodded shyly at him. I had nothing to tell me what to do anymore, so I would do what I had to do. I would tell him the truth, leaving nothing out.

I launched into my detailed reencounter of the four months we were apart.

I watched his facial expression carefully as I told him about my aching heart and the drugs I had taken to mask the pain.

He didn't interrupt me once even when he looked like he wanted too. He would always stop himself before he did it.

I skimmed the details of my suicide and brought us to the present.

I felt my voice die out as I finished my story. I didn't really know what to do now that I had told him everything. I watched him continue to stroke my hand gently. It felt nice to just be with him.

"Wait, what was Tanya doing there?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know the answer to that question.

I heard a soft knock intrude our safe little bubble.

"Come in." Edward's voice was sharp; he didn't seem to be happy about something.

Alice came in.

She looked at me with shy eyes, her demeanor was so surprising. I was so use to her being a ball of energy that seeing her like this made me nervous.

She looked between me and Edward. Edward nodded his head and she began to speak.

"Bella, I am so sorry. If I had known I would have never left or listened to my stupid brother." she glared at him as she spoke those words. "You see, even though I had promised him I would watch you, it doesn't stop me from seeing things. I saw you at our house destroying the piano." I blushed as she said that. "Then I saw you hurting you ankle as you fell down the stairs. I saw you taking something for the pain and then you just disappeared. I got really scared and didn't know what to do. I wasn't allowed to go see you but I had to make sure you were okay. I told Rosalie about this but she said I couldn't break Edward's promise. So I thought if I sent Tanya you wouldn't be any the wiser if you didn't see her."

"But, I did see her." I couldn't control my tongue as I interrupted her. Edward seemed to be on my side though, his eyes kept on narrowing more and more as Alice told me about her visions.

Her eyes widened as I spoke, "oh yes! I'm so sorry Bella. If I could I would spend the rest of eternity apologizing to you. Can you ever forgive me?" she quickly continued her story though; I think she was scared of me rejecting her. "But let me tell you the rest. So when I saw you seeing Tanya it was too late for me to do anything about it. I then saw you disappear when you went to the car after you saw Tanya. I freaked out and told her to follow you. She followed you for two days and concluded that you were fine. My visions kept on going wild for a while. Everyone told me to ignore it. You were alive and human."

I tried to process what she had just said.

She saw me disappear? How would I disappear? But I had another important question.

"Why was she driving Edward's car?"

Alice bounced between the balls of feet.

"Well Edward left his car behind and we didn't have another car that blended in. people talk, we didn't want to attract attention. We figure the worst case was someone seeing the Volvo and assuming we were back in town for a day."

"Oh." I didn't really have anything to say at the moment. I was having a hard time stomaching the information given to me.

"Wait why was Edward gone?" I looked at Edward questioning him about the fact he seemed to have forgotten to mention this.

"Bella, I love you." He looked at me with such passion that I had to look away to blush. "When I left you, I couldn't function. I couldn't be around the family that I loved. I couldn't be around things or people that reminded me of you. I tried in vain to give you your human life, even if it meant I was miserable. I decided to leave home so that I wouldn't affect my family with my mood. I locked myself in a hole and refused to come out. I didn't want anyone to come find me. I was just waiting until the day I would just stop existing." Hope filled my heart. He might just love me enough to save me.

"But after Alice saw her vision she decided that it was time that I stopped hiding and come back to you. Tanya had come back telling my family that you were miserable and barely alive. After Tanya's report about your horrible condition, that motivated my whole family to fix my mistake. They spent three weeks looking for me. I had hidden myself pretty well, so it took them a while to find me. They came busting in telling me how miserable you were and that you needed me. They told me it was time to man up and beg for your forgiveness. They dragged me back home kicking and screaming. After they had forced me home, I refused to talk or hunt. I just wanted to die. But then Alice got a vision of you…."

I knew what he was talking about. I squeezed his hand trying to comfort him.

"It was then I understood that I needed you to live. I would go back to you and beg for your forgiven and spend the rest of my existence making it up to you."

I tried to imagine Edward depressed. It was hard to imagine Edward hiding himself just to await death. Edward wanting to die scared me. I don't know what I would do if he ever died. That would shatter my already crushed world. I looked over at him. Had he felt that way when he thought I was going to die?

I finally realized something, he loved me.

I threw my body against him and whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too."

I finally looked over at Alice. Her eyes were filled envy. Her lower lip was dangerously close to pout.

I lifted myself off of Edward and walked over to her and enveloped her in a huge. I whispered. "There is nothing to forgive."

I heard her squeal at a pitch that could hurt dog's ears. "Oh my god! Thank you Bella! You are the best. But I promise I'll make it up you."

I looked at her. I was worried about what she considered 'making it up to me'.

"haha, Bella don't worry I'm not going to take you shopping."

I instantly felt relieved. I walked over back to Edward and sat on his lap. His fingers laced themselves through my hair.

"I missed how soft your hair is." I smiled at his comment.

But I was still curious about Alice's visions.

"Why do you think I disappeared?"

"Hmm, that's an interesting question. If I'm correct that's the first time you did drugs, right?" I nodded my head at her. "Well I think I can't see you when you high. You aren't able to make decisions since you mind is intoxicated. You are basically just doing what the drug tells you to do or feel. You aren't thinking ahead. You're very unpredictable high. My visions are based on decisions. Since you aren't making any or they are just made at the moment, I can't see you. Your future is blurred with the compulsion that comes from doing drugs."

That made sense. I'm glad this was all cleared up. I went back to focusing on Edward's touch.

Edward broke the silence, "Bella, you know I love you right?"

I didn't like how this conversation sounded.

I answered with a shaky "yes".

He looked me over before continuing with his thought. "I think you need help." I struggled to interrupt him but he ignored me. "I love you, but you have to stop this habit. It will kill me. You need to lead a healthy life. You need help beating this habit."

I knew what he was saying was true. But I was scared to beat this habit. If I did kick this habit, would I still be here? This habit was so much a part of who I had become; who would I be if I did beat this addiction? And I'm not even sure I can even beat it. This habit had taken control of my life. I didn't know how long I had before it would start controlling me again. It had carefully weaved itself around my entire body and refused to let me go. It even made me think I didn't love Edward and he was my reasoning for breathing. It had turned me into this destructive monster.

"I want to Edward, but I don't know if I can….. I don't know if I am strong enough."

"Bella you will beat this. I know you can."

I wanted to beat it but I still wasn't sure if I could. I had felt the pull of the drug. Even when I wanted to stay in Edward's arms forever I still felt that nagging sensation in me.

I felt so powerless. It made me so angry. How could I have done this?

"Bella, if you can't do it for yourself at least do it for me. Please."

I would do it for him. I had to do it for him. But I still felt hopeless.

This made me angry; I couldn't even feel motivated to beat it. Even when Edward was begging me to change I was still sitting here wallowing in self pity.

I had to change. It would be hard but I could do it.

I looked at Edwards face then to Alice's. They had so much faith in me changing yet I still wasn't sure if I could change. I needed to think about this. I was scared. I don't know why, but I couldn't be here right now. I still needed to do something before I moved on to the next phase of my life. I was going to have to beat this, but I couldn't do it when there were lose ends still to be dealt with.

"I need fresh air, I'll be back soon." I got up and Alice handed me a coat.

"But Bella…"

"She'll be fine." Alice interrupted him before he could protest. "Besides I see you going to pay someone a little visit."

She moved to walk out with me; before she left she said "Don't kill her Edward."

I wanted to turn around and see what she was talking about but she pushed me through the door. She walked me to the front of the house. She handed me a pair of keys and gave me a look to make sure I would behave.

Why had Alice been so willing to let me go on my own? I could go drug hunting or something stupid. I got in her yellow Porsche and drove out of the driveway carefully.

Now that I was alone I could fully panic. I didn't know if I could do this. I wanted to change I really did. But I still wasn't sure if I could do it.

Edward had told me to do it for him but what if I failed? Would he be upset that his love wasn't enough? I wasn't sure anything was enough to beat this habit, this addiction that had quickly disrupted my life.

I drove aimlessly until a saw the metal fence. The gentle wind echoed off the metal making my bones shiver. The dusty path had been marks of foot prints to show the signs of the grieving. I could see the scattered colors against the earthy green to show love. The white marble was a symbol of peace, but only peace for the people who were granted an eternity of dreams. The white to the living were just marks that the people would be nothing but a memory now. A memory that would be treasured but would slowly fade as time catches up to us. This place was a reminder that everything much come to an end.

I pulled over. I really was a masochist wasn't I?

I shuffled passed the metal gates and along the dirt path. My foot prints would be scatter along with the other prints that had mourn the death of a loved one.

I wish I had flowers, a token of affection, but I had nothing. All I had was me. I hope that was enough.

I walked along the rows of names looking for her name. I didn't see it.

Maybe I should come back with flowers.

No, I need to do this.

I scouted out the tomb stones looking for the one that would be familiar. The tomb stone that would echo off a memory I would try so hard to keep and forget. The innocence that I had single handedly destroyed would lie ten feet in that dirt never to breathe again.

I almost threw up my lungs. I need to stop thinking about this. I need to live. No I needed to find her.

I felt my feet stop as I spotted her name

Here lies violet… I stopped reading. I felt my eyes cloud over as her white stone shined through the grey sky. I sank to my knees. I wanted to rip at my skin but I didn't. I wanted to go back in time and stop her from dying but I couldn't. I wanted to say sorry but no words came out.

I felt my heart ache with regret and loneliness. She was like the sister I had never had. I had always thought I would protect but in the end I destroyed her.

I laid myself next to her grave just to be near her, just to feel her close to me again one last time.

I felt raindrops begin to sprinkle on to me. I wanted to believe the clouds were weeping for her death.

I cried with them.

I found myself whispering to her how I was so sorry. I told her again and again how sorry I was.

After I had run out of apologize I began to tell her how scared I was of changing. I told her I was scared of failure.

I told her how I wasn't strong enough to beat this. I was scared. I was always scared.

I would just end up rotting to death alone with no one to love because no one could really love a killer.

I almost wish I was dead. Death was so easy, it was like falling into darkness. I tried to fight that thought off; I can't do anything stupid.

I rolled onto my side to look at her tomb stone. It was white like her. I would like to think it represented the light that was always in her eyes.

This bought my thoughts back to our last conversation.

Well I wasn't actually sure if it was our last conversation. I didn't know if it was real or not.

But somewhere in my heart I knew it was real.

I didn't care if it wasn't possible.

I knew I had seen her in heaven.

I thought of her words and tried to focus on them. They provided the same white light that had appeared in my house when she was there. This light led the way through the darkness.

I thought of her precious words.

I thought of her story about her mom and her disease.

I imagine the warmth I felt when I was with her.

I remember how she had told me that she had forgiven me. She had told me to live for her.

And it was then that I realized something.

If I couldn't do it for myself I would do it for her.

I would not sacrifice her death in vain.

I had to change and lead a healthy life. I would succeed for her. I would do the things she couldn't do for herself.

I was determined to do everything for her. Not a single day would pass when I wouldn't think of her.

I would have to be strong no matter what. I couldn't disappoint her.

I got up and kissed her tomb stone. The moment was intimate. I collapsed back on to the ground. I felt the tears flood, disguised by rain.

I still so scared.

I tried to wrap myself in a little ball when I felt arms incase me. I knew it was him and I instant clung to him. I began sobbing into him while he tried to comfort me.

I realized that now that I trusted him. I would give myself to him. I didn't care if he left again. I was willing to take the chance. This marked the new beginning, because if I couldn't change for just her I would change for the both of them.

I heard a crack of thunder followed by a flash of lightning. I saw the white light and I knew she was watching over me.

That gave me the courage to speak.

"I'm ready to get help." I utter the words silently.

Edward tightened his grip on me and carried me home.

Tonight I would be with him and tomorrow I would go to rehab.

I was ready to be Isabella Marie Swan again.

A/N: hit or miss??

Akkkkk

I'm so nervous….

YAH I'm ALMOST DONE. I'm so excited.

Review pleaseeee!! It makes me write faster : )

Epilogue will be short.


	19. epilogue

**The ending is so cheesy. But I couldn't help it!**

**DUDE, I'M TOTALLY SORRY FOR THE WAIT!**

_Epilogue _

_Bella's Point of View_

_10 months later_

I grabbed the door and opened it. I was assaulted with the new smell of an apartment. I looked around. It was just your standard apartment. It was two bedroom one bath. It was already decorated with furniture and pictures. I dropped my bags by the door. I rushed in to look at the living room.

I took a closer look at the simple furniture and on to the pictures on the wall. I felt my insides glow as I look at the photos of my family. There were the Cullens with their perfect faces smiling back at me. I felt the muscles on my face lift making me smile involuntarily.

This was really happening. This wasn't a dream.

I never thought this day was come. Ten long months of rehab was enough to make me think I'd die in that place. But somehow I'd made it. I beat the addiction.

Even though I sometimes would feel the distant feeling of a craving I would beat it down with all my might. I promised myself I would never relapse again. I was strong now. I would remain strong. The drug could no longer tell me what to do. Even though there would always be a piece of that drug in me that would always tempt me into my old ways, I had learned to respect it. That small piece of me that constantly taunted me would always be a reminder of what I had conquered and learned.

I sighed and went back to the door to grab my groceries and put them away. I could finally eat what I wanted. I was free. I smiled to myself. I couldn't remember the last time I cooked myself a decent meal.

So much had changed in the last ten months. I had managed to drag myself to rehab willingly. But after the first day of being clean and of going to therapy I was begging Edward to take me back home. I had hated it there. But Edward was strong for the both of us and wouldn't let me leave. It was then that I realized that he must really love me if he was still sticking around and to get me clean.

After I had had that realization, I decided I would get clean for him. I don't know why I had to constantly reassure myself that Edward loves me. I just do, but everyday it gets slightly easier to trust him.

After my push from Edward I stayed clean for two months. I thought I was making progress but my therapist thought otherwise.

I finally broke after two months. I tried to call Edward one night and he didn't pick up. I had panicked and came to the conclusion that he had left again. I don't really remember what happened after that. Everything was blurry and a mess. I ended up finding drugs to take.

The next morning I had a surprise visit from the Cullens but I wasn't allowed to see them. My therapist had refused to let me see her. She told me I had to tell her what had caused my relapse. I was so disoriented and confused that I finally broke down and told her everything. I poured my heart out. I told her about Violet and my constant fear of Edward leaving.

After my sudden outburst she hugged me and told me we were making progress. I was allowed to see the Cullens. After that she explained that I needed to do this for myself. I needed to find beauty in myself and embrace it. I was forced to write in a journal. I had to tell myself my good quality. I had learned how to communicate my feelings through words and not hide me emotions.

I soon could find a reason to want to live for myself. This journey through rehab soon became an experience for me to learn who I was and find redemption. I could finally sleep at night and not be pledged by nightmares.

It was a long road but worth it. I had found myself and more. I had a reason for breathing besides Edward. I had opened myself up which surprisingly allowed me to love Edward even more.

Even though I would never fully understand why he left me, I knew that he loved me. Every day that he spent with me was proof.

I hummed to myself as I found the perfect spot for each food item. This was so exciting. This was a new beginning. When I had finished rehab this apartment was their gift to me. This new place symbolized a new start. I usually wasn't big on gifts, but they were family. They seemed happy to be giving it to me. I think they were really excited for me to go back to school.

That's right I was going back to school. I would be attending Washington State starting in the spring. I didn't know what I wanted to do for a living yet, but I felt good to be focusing on my education. I really did enjoy learning; I had learned that from therapy. I would use that to my advantage and further myself in life.

I searched for a pot in the pantry so I could start to boil water. I think I would make pasta tonight. I began to hum to myself as I listen to the quiet sound of the boiling water. I could smell the faint smell of salt and steam, the sweet smell of freedom.

I knew things were far from over or better, but it was getting there.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the door open. My head snapped towards the hall way and I was met with the love of my life.

I felt my body instantly react to his presents. I pranced towards him and threw myself into his awaiting arms. I felt his scent wash over me and I felt instantly at home. This finally felt like home.

"Why are you always so surprised to see me?"

I could tell he was smiling by the tone of his voice. He was just as happy as I was that I was finally free and back on track.

"Every day is a gift with you. And I just want to make sure I treasure it."

I felt him pull my away so he could look into my eyes and he saw the real meaning behind my words. He understood my words. We had come a long way and had made many mistakes. But everyday that we were just together was priceless. Because who knew what issue life would hit us with next. But for now, I just wanted to be with him.

I just wanted to feel the moment and be at peace. I had my life and the love of my life back. I couldn't ask for anything more.

It didn't matter that we had made mistakes or had more hurdles to jump over. As long as I had him I was okay because there was something beautiful about the way our imperfections seem to fit together.

Because there is something absolutely perfect about imperfection.

**This is the end.**

**I understand the ending is abrupt but yah, this is my first story, so yah, give me some credit. I didn't really know what I was doing when it came to plot or ending this…. This story kind of sucked… But I finished it!!!!! That has to mean something right! **

**SO thank you for reading my mess of a story….. seriously. **

**Sorry my story was so suckish… ugggg**


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